I remember that day very clearly...it was May, a warm night, a party at our friends' house. In a familiar room, just us and the words flowing from our lips. Words about everything and nothing, about us...our first kiss, the taste of his lips, the warmth of his hands, the blue of his eyes...it was a momentary happiness. He said he felt nothing for me, that I was just a friend to him...humiliation. I opened my heart to him, and he mocked me...long months had to pass before I erased him from my thoughts and dreams; in short, I forgot. I was proud of myself...vacation. A few days' trip with our group, everyone was drunk from morning till night. I don't know how it happened—me and him on a warm night, by the banks of a waterfall...now I know, I remember. He invited me for a walk, and I agreed. The water was waist-deep, so cold, brrr...and he wrapped his hands around my hips and asked if he could kiss me...I didn't even have to answer...on the wet grass, our bodies wet, in a tight embrace...kisses fell like snowflakes in winter. His warm hands warmed my chilled body, and his touch thawed my heart...time stopped for us, it was just me and him, it was just us...the next day - a conversation. What we had done, we had gotten too carried away...I told myself I no longer felt anything for him, carefree fun - that was all...A week passed, a week passed, and we pretended nothing had happened...Our friend's birthday barbecue. Everyone was blissfully drunk on alcohol again...he kept staring at me, and I silently prayed it was just my imagination. He suggested a walk. I gave in. Quite by accident, we found each other on a path famous for walks by single people, dog owners, and... lovers. We sat down on some rocks. Before I knew it, our bodies were glued together like two magnets with different poles... a wonderful summer night, with only us and millions of stars. It must have been like this: moments of happiness are followed by moments of pain and that terrible humiliation. This time was no different. The next morning, a text message from Him: "You used me again..." How could He? Did He know how I felt then? Like a common whore who, at His beck and call, would come, obedient as a lamb, ready to do anything for Him for a few empty words and meaningless kisses. That day made me realize that that night by the waterfall, my feelings were rekindled, or maybe they never faded?
It didn't matter anymore. He had once again toyed with me, like a child toying with a doll, and when he gets bored, he throws it away. I promised myself and the whole world that I would never humiliate myself like that again and give in. I swore on love and friendship... I hated him as much as I loved him... After a few weeks, he apologized, said he was sorry, that it could never happen again... although I forgave him then, I never forgot the hurt he had caused me. A few weeks passed... we went to the park with friends. While we were sitting at a table, I felt a hand on my leg, his hand. Even though I wanted him so much, I pulled away, as I had promised. We went out together to get a drink. He wanted to hug me, but I wouldn't let him. I was afraid I would give in again, but in truth, I wanted it more than anything in the world. As we were returning, he hugged me tightly. I struggled, but when he pressed his lips to mine... everything else ceased to matter to me. I couldn't refuse, even though I knew I should. My love for him was so strong I simply couldn't. Another evening together, once again I had him all to myself. I truly believed he regretted what he'd done to me, that he wanted to make amends. How wrong I was... He just wanted to have fun at my expense again, and because of him and my damn weakness, I almost lost a friend. I'd promised a friend, but I hadn't kept my word... I don't want to know him. Too many tears, too much suffering, too many sleepless nights. He's humiliated me so many times, and even if I wanted to forgive him, I can't and don't. I love him, but I'm doing everything in my power to kill this feeling, just like he killed me. A few days ago, getting off the tram, I met him: hello, hello—that's all. It seemed to me she wanted to smile, but I wouldn't have returned the gesture anyway. How could I return the smile of the man who robbed me of every last shred of shame and dignity? He cares for nothing and no one except himself. Now he's changed friends like you change a pair of socks. He supposedly cares about someone, but somehow I can't believe it. I can't believe he could care about anyone. I also know she doesn't reciprocate his supposed feelings. I'm happy, but I want him to suffer like I did, to have a knife stabbed in his heart too... Maybe then he'd understand how much he hurt me... Because of him, I can't love anymore, I can't even dream anymore, he took even that away from me... I'd like to forget him someday. I'd like to forget the man I gave my heart to, and he threw it in my face.
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