You are, you are not

 

Do you have any idea how I feel about you? Do you realize how much I like you? Those eyes of yours... no, you have no idea! Don't you care that I'm crazy about your lips? No, you don't care! Not one bit. Why would someone like you care?

I want to hold you so much... hug you... but it's impossible! Alas. Because you... no, it's not true that you... deep down I know it perfectly well, but the thought terrifies me! I love you. I don't want to lose you! Lose you? You were never mine! No, no... you are only mine!

I'll give you anything you want. For just this one time! Just this one time! Let me hold you, hold you... let me kiss your beautiful lips just once... I can't stand it anymore. You're so close to me, I can almost feel your presence... but... you're not here... so where are you? You are everywhere because you are nowhere! You are everywhere I am! You are with me. But why can't I press you to my chest?

I love your hair. That golden color... I'll dip my fingers in it... no, it's impossible! You're so close, and yet you're not there! How is that possible? I see you before my eyes, but I can't touch you...

I love you madly! Yes, madly. That's the right word. I love your eyes, your lips... your breasts... your perfect figure... yes, you are perfect! I love you, but you don't reciprocate, you have no feelings! Unfortunately. Your lips... they smile at me... but they don't express happiness, not even a slight sense of satisfaction... Your smile is expressionless... it's so... artificial... untrue...

Will we ever meet again? No, don't come near me! Because I'll want you even more... and I couldn't bear this anymore... come, move closer... I want to embrace you so much... it's impossible to get any closer... but I can't feel even the slightest touch of your body... I crane my neck forward, hoping my lips will meet yours... but I know it will never happen... I love you so much... Ania...

Ania... beautiful name... like everything about you... Get away from me! I can't stand it! I love you! Get away, because I'd do anything for you... even... just to meet you...

No, don't go! I'll wither without you like a flower without water...

Tell me, why? Why did I love you so much? No one else but me... who are you anyway? You are-you are not... you are gone! You were never born... you don't age... you are still so young and beautiful... or rather, you are not so young and... are you or are you not? Or maybe you are not? You are neither, nor are you not... you simply are not-you, you are not, because you are not... my love, why are you not? You are only here... in my head... ideal... my ideal... I love you and nothing will separate us... and nothing will unite us... I have to live with this... I have to live with this! Not you. Not you, my love. You feel nothing... how I envy you...

I will suffer for both of us...