it's not enough to want it :( good night

My life experiences have etched a true 50-year mark on my psyche, not 19.

I've always been an altruist... who naively helped everyone and ended up with the worst results...

I'm writing this message and my hands are shaking. I never thought I'd end up in such a situation... in a world without handles... I can barely write... I hope I'll manage to finish this message :'(

More has happened than I could ever imagine...

I always thought that everyone has the right to their own happiness...

that everyone has the right to do what they love...

that I wouldn't be a hero from Dead Poets Society... that boy who wanted to be an actor and his 'loved ones' didn't care... that, like him, I wouldn't think of ending my life, and what's worse... it wouldn't even occur to me to end my life like him...

oh, the stupidity I write... maybe I really am already in that glass trap I went crazy... bouncing off the walls of envious people...

what happened...

what gave me happiness was a lot of things... but I always wanted to tell the whole world "I am." I got hooked on modeling, going to castings, and stuff like that... I admit, it started to show... that it gave me (besides English, sports, and dancing) incredible joy...

happiness that allowed me to live with a smile on my face...

I don't really know why I'm writing this to you... egh :/

And what happened... I had my first really serious offer, which gave me a lot of hope that I would really take off... like Agnieszka Maciag, etc. I even borrowed money for a ticket to go...

I gave everything I had... it was beautiful...

it was supposed to be.

People from the company were waiting for me at the station... but oh well... I wasn't there... And why... because at 5 a.m. my previously happy parents flew into a rage... they attacked me... they were like crazy... I felt like a child from a dysfunctional family... black, swollen lips, a hand cut to the bone... ugh... I couldn't even go to the emergency room to get stitches... because what would that be like... they wouldn't have it any good after the autopsy... but I didn't want to do it to them... or maybe I didn't have the courage, I don't know... I was hurt... like an angel whose wings had been clipped, I still believed in goodness...

they took everything from my money and passport to the radio... I sat there for two days and saw like Macbeth - only the blade of a knife... only... I was punished for having succeeded in something... that life had given me a chance... long story... I can't realize what they said to me, what they did... it's sad to say but Today I hate them with all my heart, how they always destroy everything I build... I know now that I will not allow myself to be treated like a puppet in a theater... no... even though I have no strength left and this is my last hope for anything, for life... I will try to die with a shield...

I really see no way out...

I wrote this because perhaps soon this page will be my black obituary... let these words be some trace of my existence and memory.

although I'd like to believe that it's not true...

I'm sorry it took so long... but I haven't opened my mouth for 2 days, neither to eat nor to talk... I can't do it any longer because I can't cope with

my hand anymore :'(