Kaja

 

Even though it was early, it had grown dark... the city was illuminated by Christmas displays and lanterns lining the streets. Shopping malls and shops were all shrouded in crowds of people rushing to who knows where. Hmm... Christmas, a time of joy and love, not for everyone. In the park, a girl sat on a bench. As if on cue, the clouds revealed the moon, and I could see her face; she was crying. I wanted to approach her, ask what had happened, but was it appropriate? I slipped past the bench. She didn't notice me; I walked away, glancing back every now and then. That night I couldn't sleep, and when I closed my eyes, I saw her tearful eyes, reflecting the moon.

***

Why do these people rush forward so quickly? They won't notice anyone, only their own shadows reflected in the snow. There was another argument at home today. Mom was preparing Christmas Eve dinner. Dad came home from work and "flew" on the computer. It began:

"What do you think, that I'll be working all by myself and you'll be sitting around with this "time waster"?

"Zofia, I just got home from work, can't I relax for a moment?

" "What kind of rest is that? What kind of example are you setting for your child?!

"I'm working from dawn till dusk and you still have a grudge against me?"

"I understand you perfectly well, I work too, but I somehow find time for the house! It's a miracle!

" "We have a housekeeper, she could take care of Christmas Eve.

" "Yes... but unfortunately, she's unreliable! One of your many faults is hiring incompetent people! Kazia's away for Christmas and everything's on me!

" "I have so many faults? Look at yourself first! How are you raising your child?

" "Mine? She's your daughter too!

" "I didn't plan her!"

I couldn't stand to hear it anymore. I ran out of the house, slamming the door, which didn't stop my parents' argument. I had everything I wanted, everything material. But I was an unplanned child... how many times had I heard that! They didn't even realize how much those words hurt me. I was like air to them, each of us avoiding the other. And it had been that way for a year... since I last saw my brother. Exactly a year ago, on Christmas Eve, we were waiting for Tomek. He was returning from a cruise; he was a sailor. And suddenly there was a knock on the door. Overjoyed, I ran to greet him. I opened the door, and a policeman was standing there. I only remember the words:

"Your son is dead. He died in a road accident a few minutes ago."

My world collapsed beneath my feet. Tomek was the only person who understood me... and now he's gone. My father blamed my mother for Tomek's death: "You were the one who persuaded me to buy him a motorcycle." My mother, in turn, blamed my father. And the cycle continued. My parents loved their son very much. They were proud of him, and so was I. He was an example... a role model for me. Who should I look up to now? A screaming mother or a world-cursing father? Over time, I got used to it. I didn't try to change anything, maybe I was afraid.

The argument could still be heard on the porch, so I ran. I stopped only in the park, sat on a bench, and cried. People passed me by indifferently. Only one boy stopped for a moment, looked at me, and then walked away. I was so sad, I felt useless. I came home late; for the first time in my life, there was no Christmas Eve in my house. The table was set, but not a single dish had been touched. What kind of Christmas is it without love?!...

***

New Year's Eve is just a few days away! I can't wait for the party. At Darek's. It's going to be hardcore! I saw that girl from the park again today. She was shopping with her friends. They were probably looking for a dress for Sylwek. By the way, I don't even know her name. We have to check this out because this girl isn't that ugly. I'll open my contacts, it always works...

In the evening, Szybka got on my phone. He wanted to check something on the computer. Without a second thought, I started the conversation:

"Listen, man... there's this thing.

" "Get it straight!

" "I saw this blonde with blue eyes recently, not very tall. I think she lives in that wealthier neighborhood...

" "Hehe... listen, this is Kaja. She moved in recently. I'm telling you right now, you don't stand a chance with her. Half the guys in the neighborhood are drooling over her.

" "Uh... no... hmm... I was just asking, I was curious about her name."

"Yeah, yeah... don't be evasive! Now: shall we smoke some weed?"

"You don't know... I promised..."

"You're a terrible old man." Mommy, my son... you wimp! You're getting soft, man! So what are we smoking?

- Okay...

That was the whole conversation. Then I drifted off into a better world... a world without the daily grind. Only there could I be happy. When I finally recovered, Szybka was asleep on the couch. I was torn by guilt: why had I done it again? I'd promised myself and my parents it wouldn't happen again! I was just a little man, possessed by addiction. I felt guilt... I was so ashamed. I remembered Kaja's face that night. A tear ran down my cheek... I had no strength left... I needed help... someone who would understand me.

***

Today I was downtown with Zośka and Kamila, doing New Year's Eve shopping. I bought a dress, beautiful! Floor-length, black, with a neckline that revealed a little back. I don't think anyone needs to hide their figure. I have no insecurities, and that's the most important thing. As I was leaving the Troll, I saw a boy across the street. Yes, it was the same boy I'd seen in the park that Christmas Eve... For a moment, our eyes met. I tried to chat, but he turned on his heel and walked away. I wonder who he is?

"Which makes you wonder, who was that boy?" Zośka asked, looking at me with sparkling brown eyes.

"Uh...yes. How did you know?

" "This is Łukasz. Former captain of our high school football team, he got kicked out because he was caught smoking weed with a friend. Cool, right?

" "You said something...sorry, I was lost in thought.

" "I said, cool."

"Oh yes, an interesting person...

" "Kaja!" Stop following him with your eyes! I think your heart has softened!

"No, come on, I don't even know him... come on!

Yes... I didn't know him. But I felt we had something in common. Maybe it's silly, but it really was. I watched him go to the next corner where he disappeared...

****

I wrote Kaja a letter. It wasn't a big deal, but I wanted her to know who I was. On Saturday morning, when everyone in the apartment was still asleep, I quietly slipped out to deliver the letter to its recipient. I reached the street where, as Szybka had told me, Kaja's house stood. Here, in this wealthy neighborhood, everything was so clean and well-kept. Evenly trimmed hedges, perfectly painted fences, and roofs with perfectly laid red tiles. I couldn't compare "my" apartment building to this neighborhood. I reached the address I was given. I placed the letter by the front door, then hurried away so as not to be noticed by the household.

***

I woke up early on Saturday morning. My parents were already at work. I had to go to the store to buy some bread so I could eat something for breakfast. I always did the shopping myself; my parents didn't have time for it. My mom is a lawyer and spends all day at his law firm. My dad, on the other hand, is a surgeon, and his daily occupation is, so to speak, "cutting up" people. I went out onto the porch. A white envelope lay on the mat. Without thinking, I picked it up and saw it was addressed to me. I forgot about the groceries. I returned home and sat in the armchair. I opened the letter. I had never received such a message in my life:

Hello, Kaju!

I'm Łukasz. I don't know why I'm writing this letter. I feel like I've known you for years. Your every move, your every smile is familiar. I'd love to meet you and get to know you better. This is my cell phone number; if you're interested, let me know: 698829217. It may not be a masterpiece, but it was written especially for you:

Look at the sky.

Be captivated by the glow of a thousand stars.

Take one of them by the hand,

and dance with it in the blue firmament.

Let the earth become alien,

and let the moon be your brother.

Forget the past.

Live in the moment, man!

Because no one knows when the night will end...

I hope we'll have the opportunity to meet. See you soon, Kaja!

>Łukasz<

I was shocked. "What a beautiful poem!" I thought. I wanted to get to know Łukasz better. Without thinking, I picked up my phone and texted him.

***

That's how we arranged to meet. Friday afternoon. She asked me to pick her up at the Krasnys' house. I wondered why there? Their family was known for running a family children's home. The children who lived with them were mentally disabled, and some were physically disabled. I eagerly awaited Friday. Finally, the day arrived...

It was 2:30 PM. We had an appointment for 3 PM, so I still had a few moments. Well, better to be early than painfully late. I stood in front of the Krasny family's house, waiting for Kaja. I didn't feel the cold. My thoughts drifted far into the world of dreams. Suddenly, I was distracted by the sound of children's laughter. I looked in the direction of the sound. In the garden, I saw a group of children playing in the snow... I remember two of them were in wheelchairs. To my surprise, I saw Kaja... playing with them. I had never seen such joy before! She was smiling with every fiber of her being at those children. As I later learned, Kaja was a volunteer. She helped care for disabled children. She dedicated her free time to those in need of love and warmth. I felt so small next to her... I felt so ashamed. Who was I? A common boy from the big city, a blockhead. Would I ever be capable of acting like that? My world was weed... alcohol... not other people, but addictions...

At exactly 3 p.m., Kaja approached me.

"Hey!" she greeted cheerfully.

"Hi!" I replied cheerfully, hiding my low mood.

"So you're Łukasz?

" "Owca" (Owca) for friends.

"Nice to meet you Łukasz!

" "You too.

" "Shall we go for a walk?

" "Sure! Lead the way?"

We walked for a long time. Even though the trees in the park were bare of leaves and "shined" with their nakedness, it was the most beautiful place I'd ever been. The snow crunched under our feet and the stars twinkled in the sky. The moon watched us closely. I wanted the evening to last as long as possible. We talked like good old friends. I told her about my drinking and drug use, the company I kept, and how much I was disappointing my parents. She wasn't surprised, but her voice cracked a bit. Then she asked,

"Do you believe in God, Łukasz?"

"Uh...yes...

" "So why are you hurting him?"

My knees gave out...I fell to the ground. I believed in God...but I couldn't walk the path leading to Him. I was like a tiny child whose balloon had burst. I couldn't hold back the tears...I cried like a baby. In an instant, my gravest sins flashed before my eyes. Kaja knelt beside me and hugged me tightly.

"Crying, Łukasz...it will do you good." Let all your anger out...it'll be alright now...I promise.

I felt her touch. I looked into her eyes...they were so warm and full of love. I knew one thing: I'd finally found someone who would understand me...who would pull me out of this mess...

***

Łukasz and I met very often. We went to the Krasny family's together, and he helped me take care of the kids. Łukasz had returned to the soccer team. I was so proud of him. I did everything I could to help him. He had changed beyond recognition. I felt the stares of Łukasz's friends. One time, one approached me and said with contempt in his voice,

"Listen, you slut! What have you done with Owca? You don't even have time to smoke with your friends!"

"I'm not going to talk to people like you," I snapped indignantly, then ran to meet Łukasz.

Similar situations occurred several more times. I felt no remorse; I knew I was doing the right thing.

***

Saturday evening. I was in the hospital. Kaja had an accident. It's my fault...she got hit by that car!

We were supposed to meet Mr. and Mrs. Krasny like every Saturday. I went to pick her up at home. We were both in a good mood, laughing. We were walking down a park path. I grabbed her hand, and she hugged me back. We stopped...I kissed her. I was the happiest guy in the world! We were crossing the street without even looking. And suddenly, a flash of headlights, a bang. Not knowing what was happening, I ran forward. When I stopped, I turned my head. My beloved Kaja was lying on the road...she wasn't moving. I immediately called an ambulance. I ran to her.

"Kaja...my love! Say something! Please!"

I heard no answer. A moment later, the ambulance arrived. I went with her...I was so afraid for the girl who was so close to me...

I informed Kaja's parents, who immediately came to the hospital. They asked what had happened, but I couldn't get a word out. I remembered Kaja talking about her poor relationship with her parents. But they truly loved her very much...

A doctor approached us.

"Are you Kaja Zamorska's parents?

" "Yes, we are," Kaja's mother replied

. "I'm very sorry, we did everything we could..."

Those words brought darkness to my eyes. Kaja died from head injuries she suffered in the accident. My greatest happiness... my little sunshine is gone... I'll never see her again...

***

Kaja's funeral... many people came. Kaja was a member of the Oasis Movement and the Scouts. Only now did I realize how much happiness she brought to people. I was so proud of her, yet at the same time angry at her... she had abandoned me to the mercy of the modern, dirty world. No one understood me like she did. I felt a huge void. When I returned from the funeral, my mother hugged me tightly. She knew how I felt, but she didn't say a word...we sat in complete silence for a long time. Finally, I said,

"Mom, I love you so much. I promise you that you will never cry because of me again.

" "I'm with you, my son...everything will be alright."

It felt like old times. I was devastated by Kaja's death, but I was glad I could count on my mother.

That night, I had a dream. I dreamed of Kaja dressed in a long white dress. I had never seen her more beautiful. She told me not to worry, that everything would be alright, that she would always be with me. I wanted to hug her so badly, but when I reached out, she melted. I knew I had to stick to what my beloved friend had taught me. I had no intention of falling back into addiction. I knew one thing: Kaja was an angel God sent to show me how much he loved me and didn't want me to stray. Kaja will remain in my memory as a wonderful person who changed my life. She fulfilled her mission... now it's my turn...

***

The marble tombstone bears the inscription:

Kaja Zamorska.

Born on September 24, 1988.

She died tragically on May 10, 2003.

Beloved daughter, granddaughter, and friend.

You will forever remain in our hearts.

Rest in peace.

A dozen candles burn on the grave, illuminating the plaque:

You are leaving, you are dying.

The outline of your beautiful figure disappears in the fog.

You rise towards victory over nothingness,

And faith allows you to see.

Your words float in the emptiness of life,

Leaving no trace behind.

Like a princess on a silver horse, you wander.

You will be among a thousand stars.

Like a sage, you will seek what

you never experienced in life...

My beloved Kaja, who changed my life.

I love you.

Łukasz