Memory

 

My name is Dorota, I recently turned 38, and I'm trying to raise my teenage daughter, Amelia. Unfortunately, it can be difficult sometimes. She's so stubborn, she's rarely home, barely talks to me, and sometimes I feel like she hates me. I don't know why she acts this way. I've always wanted the best for her. I don't even remember being like that towards my parents.

My husband doesn't help me with my relationship with my daughter at all. He's always at work or away on business trips. When he's home, he ignores us at all because he's 'relaxing.' I've never understood men.

Today I finally decided to clean out the attic, something I've been planning for... a long time, about three years.

So, after climbing upstairs with all the cleaning supplies I could find, I started cleaning as planned. But then, a trunk that belonged to my great-grandmother caught my eye. When I was a teenager, I used to hide all my treasures there. I hadn't looked into it since I got married. Fascinated like a little girl, I approached the trunk, carefully wiped away the dust, and unlocked the lock. Everything that had been important to me since I was in high school appeared before my eyes. There were eight thick notebooks, which I'd kept until I changed my marital status in my third year. Next to the diaries was my first dress, which I wore to my prom, a rose my partner gave me that year, old photos, and a pendant my grandmother gave me for my 18th birthday.

I stared at these items, captivated. On a sudden impulse, I sat down on the floor and started reading the diaries.

September 1, 1981.

Today is my first day of high school. But I'm stressed. I don't know anyone because we recently moved here from Łódź. I feel so lost. I know I should try to meet someone, yes, I would love to. There's just one problem: I'm terrified of strangers. I mean, speak up. I'm terribly shy. I always have been. But I always had friends. They were the brave ones, not me.

But as I sat there in that school, alone, in the back row, I saw a girl with glasses who smiled kindly at me. That gave me hope. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to overcome my fear of people?

Yes, I remembered how timid I was. Soon after, I got over it, because I became friends with that girl, Ewa. We were just like lovebirds. We got along perfectly. Soon after, I had completely different problems.

November 19, 1981

My parents are arguing again. I can't listen to this anymore. Plates are flying again. I just hope they don't accidentally break my favorite mug, or they'll have behavioral problems with me. I may be generally calm, but when it comes to my Mickey Mouse mug, I'm starting to lose my sense of humor. It reminds me of last year's vacation and my friends from a year ago. They gave it to me for my birthday when I landed on my bottom in the sandbox after sliding down a slide I was a bit too old for.

November 20, 1981.

They want a divorce. I mean, Mom wants a divorce because Dad doesn't understand her needs at all, only takes care of himself and doesn't take her anywhere, as if he were ashamed of her.

I don't know if she's thought this through. I'll be going to college soon, I'll probably leave. What if she can't take care of herself? It's sad to be alone in such a big house. If she divorces him, I'll hate her. I'll forget I have a mother. I'll run away from home, I'll think of something, just to get away from her!!!

But my parents split up. I moved in with my grandmother, who was also angry with my mother. We saw each other sometimes, and eventually I forgave her, but I was stubborn and stayed with my grandmother. I didn't argue with her that much.

Shortly after these events, I fell in love with a boy in my senior class.

On February 10, 1982,

I think I fell in love. His name is Miłosz, and he's a year older. I don't know how to describe him. He's tall (everyone is tall to me, as I'm only 162 cm tall), has beautiful emerald eyes and shaggy black hair. Simply divine! I ran into him in the hallway recently. I was carrying some library books; they blocked my view, and that's why I ran into him. I wanted to collapse, but he just smiled and helped me gather my textbooks. That wasn't all. I was walking home loaded with those books and ran into him again. Well, I didn't run into him this time because he was running after me. He helped me crawl home somehow, helped me carry those volumes. And so we talked. And now he walks me home every day. Wonderful! I have to tell Ewa everything!!!

Just don't let him like her too much when he sees her. After all, all the boys in class have a crush on her, and I look a bit pale in comparison!

February 11, 1982.

Today I'm devastated. I found out (from Ewa) that Miłosz recently had a girlfriend. Great. I'm meeting the guy of my dreams, and he's already taken. I should have expected this. He's too wonderful to be interested in someone like me. My despair is truly immense. Well, I'm simply not surprised he doesn't like me. I'm too fat, my hips are too wide, I'm not even the slightest bit pretty. Unlike my mom, who guys have always been crazy about. Oh, and if nature ever intended to gift me with breasts, it's very late in delivering that gift. Very late.

I hope his girlfriend is ugly (even uglier than me), fat (even fatter than me), stupid (I'm smart – you have to make up for what you lack in beauty somehow...), spotty (I've never had a problem with that), and boring (I won't comment on that).

I had the same problem as my daughter back then. But I never had an ounce of excess fat. It just seemed that way to me. I wasn't ugly at all either. I had huge blue eyes, and that's what attracted everyone to me. My grandma used to say, "Eyes are the mirror of the soul, and you're a good person, and that's where your beauty lies." I had to take her word for it; I had no other choice.

February 14, 1982.

Today I met Anna, Miłosz's girlfriend. Unfortunately, she's not as ugly as I imagined. She's pretty, slender, smart, and has beautiful, long, curly brown hair. She has long legs, too. I mean, she's tall. She looks like she's off a runway. Next to her, I feel like an ugly duckling with no hope of becoming a swan. Sad, but true. I guess I have to accept that my feelings won't be reciprocated. I'm going for a coffee. And I'll have a cookie too, so what? An extra inch on the hips never hurt anyone! I guess.

For a long time, I couldn't forget Miłosz. He finally came back into my life at the beginning of the summer holidays.

July 1, 1982.

Last night, I saw Miłosz outside my house. Ewa had left my house, and I was sitting at the window, reading a book. Then I noticed a tall figure staring at my window. It was Him. When he noticed me watching him, he left. What was he doing there? Hmmm... I wonder... maybe he finally realized what he'd lost??? We'll see.

July 3, 1982.

I saw Him again. This time, I was coming back from Ewka's (she told me Miłosz was no longer dating Ania). I was talking to Him. I thought he was strange. Different from what I remembered. He asked if I wanted to date him. I said no. I have a feeling I did the right thing.

I know! He's taller! Damn, I can fit under his arm now! No, I have no intention of dating a tall guy you have to stand on tiptoe to talk to! No, I'm not that much of a flea yet!!!!!

Maybe it was the right decision at the time, but I still regretted it. I liked him for a long time, but I always felt like I'd made a mistake. After all, he was my dream.

Soon after, I met someone who helped me forget. His name was Tomek.

July 13, 1982

Oh yes, the thirteenth. Unlucky, something's about to happen to me, I can feel it, I can feel it! I'll fall on the straight road, break my leg so badly I'll never be able to walk again. I might also lose the precious dollars my aunt gave me for my birthday. Maybe I'll take a chance and go out. I'll buy myself those wonderful jeans I saw at Pewex. Okay, I'm going.

I safely staggered into Pewex. I chose the pants I liked and ran to the fitting room. I didn't anticipate one thing: that someone might be in that fitting room. So, talented as I am, I darted behind one curtain and... stopped dead in my tracks. The wonderful, surprised blue eyes of a very handsome brunette, who wore very cute little pants with colorful fish prints, stared back at me. Beetroot red, I retreated to another fitting room, free for a change. As I was leaving, pleased that I'd fit into a smaller pant size, I was surprised again. At the entrance to the dressing room I was in, Mr. Fish (that's what I'd started mentally calling the boy I'd surprised in the dressing room) was standing again.

"I was waiting for you. I didn't want to completely break you down." I must have looked genuinely confused, because he smiled and said, "I'm Tomek."

"Dorota. I'm really sorry about the dressing room. I didn't think anyone would be there, because..." I said, not very intelligently.

"...the curtain was closed, as usual when someone changes clothes," he finished with a smile.

"Okay, I got lost in my thoughts—that wasn't smart either.

" "So, are you buying those pants?

" "Well, that was my plan before I started talking to you." This time, I smiled.

"Maybe as an apology, you could take me out for ice cream?" he tried to suck up.

"Sure! If they invite you, why say no?

That's how I met Tomek, whom I've seen disturbingly often since then. One day, after we were already a couple, we ran into Miłosz with his new girlfriend on a walk.

On August 20, 1982,

Tomek and I were in the park. While looking for a quiet bench away from the crowds, I saw Miłosz with a girl who didn't look like his sister at all. He noticed me too (also that I was walking hand in hand with some handsome guy) and... to put it mildly, he was a bit lost. He simply bumped into a nearby tree. That was more than a compliment to me. He'd always been a gawker, but to bump into a tree just because he saw me?!

Despite everything, the day went pleasantly, and contrary to appearances, it was romantic. I even received a rose. From Tomek, of course.

Tomek later became my husband, and I've never regretted it. Quite the opposite. The thirteenth proved to be a happy one. I don't want to think what would have happened if I hadn't fallen behind the changing room curtain.

I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of Amelia's heavy boots. She was heading upstairs. To the attic.

"Amelia?" I asked.

"I hate school! I hate guys! I hate myself! The rest of the world annoys me too!" my daughter called from the doorway.

"What's wrong, honey?

" "Nothing. See how I look?" she asked, and I looked at her curiously. I didn't notice anything.

"You look the same as usual. I don't see any changes.

" "Exactly! I'm fat, ugly, and if I can't stand it anymore, I think I'll start stuffing my bra!!!" I smiled. It reminded me of something. "Why are you laughing? I didn't say anything funny," Amelia said, surprised.

"I'm not laughing at all. I'm just smiling because I've had problems like that too. Did you fall in love without it being reciprocated?

" "How do you know?" Her eyes were round as saucers.

"Because that's what I always said when I felt unloved."

"But Mom! Times were different back then! Do you know what Olka told me! Filip has a girlfriend! Do you understand? He has a girlfriend, and he was hitting on me!!!

I started laughing. I understood what she meant. I told her my story. Her face was even more surprised.

"Miłosz? Miłosz Kłosowski?

" "Well... yes."

"Mom, Filip is his son."

Now I was the one surprised. I couldn't say ANYTHING. What else? What could I say to her? What? I could only give her one piece of advice.

"Wait for your time. He'll notice you. Oh, and don't make decisions you might regret later."

I saw in her eyes that she knew what I meant.

***

Since then, my relationship with my daughter has improved significantly. I read all her diaries and understood her better. I also argued with my parents when I was younger (I still do). I also had problems with boys. And I had a terrible insecurities.

One fine day, while I was sitting in the kitchen, Amelia burst in and announced,

"Mom, I think my time has come.

It's what I expected. She did it. My daughter was happy. So was I. Finally.

Oh, this youth... why does it fly by so quickly?"