Monkeys

"Fuck, it's impossible for 10,000 years of civilization to just go off and fuck from one day to the next.

We were wandering through the forest. Me and Hektor. It was hot. Every now and then, we'd stop to pick a few mushrooms or berries. We couldn't even count on a savage; they'd all moved away some time ago. Soon we'd have to set off across the continent again.

" "There had to be some trace left somewhere," Hektor continued, for some reason a little restless today. "Even underground.

" "Maybe there was," I agreed reluctantly. "But so what?"

My companion stopped. He placed a clumsily knitted basket of dry branches, half-filled with the forest's bounty, on the ground and kicked angrily at a tree. Immediately, he grabbed his bare foot and started hopping on one leg, cursing mercilessly. It reminded me of an old movie—I could barely contain my laughter.

"I think I broke a stake," Hektor said, calming down a bit after a moment and sitting down on the ground.

"Let me see," I said, crouching down next to my companion. After a brief inspection, I denied his suspicions.

"You didn't break it," I announced. "But kick it again, maybe you will."

Hektor said nothing, just stood up, picked up his basket, and limped on.

***

It was Saturday, a sunny January day. I lay next to Gloria, stroking her body with the tip of my finger. She was sleeping soundly, exhausted by what we'd just done; the corners of her mouth, however, curved upwards in contentment as my hand tickled her skin. My eyes were starting to droop, and I would have loved to fall asleep too, but I had to be at work around four p.m. Reluctantly, I dragged myself out of bed and went to the bathroom to shower.

***

Hektor had clearly forgotten that his leg hurt, because he stopped limping and noticeably quickened his pace.

"Hey!" I shouted after him as he disappeared among the trees. He stepped back and glared at me.

"What?

" "Why are you so busy?" I asked. "There's still a long way to go, and our baskets are almost full."

"I thought we'd go fishing," Hektor replied, quite foolishly.

"And we'll make fishing rods out of our dicks?" I got angry. "You're acting strange today, man."

***

I bathed, got dressed, and went to the bedroom to kiss Gloria goodbye. My girlfriend wasn't in bed, though. Truth be told, there wasn't a bed either. Surprised, I looked around the room and noticed that several other pieces of furniture and a carpet were also missing.

"What's wrong?" I said aloud, and at the same moment I felt myself falling.

***

"We're going back," I commanded, gathering a few mushrooms from under the tree and filling the basket.

"Wait," Hektor muttered. I looked at his basket - it was full too.

"Can you come over here?" Hector asked. It sounded strange, but I took a few steps toward him.

"What's going on?" I asked, and at the same moment I felt myself falling.

***

There was no Gloria, no house, no street, no town. There was nothing. And yet there was so much. A clearing, a forest, a small lake in the distance.

"Jesus," I said, disoriented.

I was cold; I wasn't used to being naked in the middle of winter. I started screaming for help and running, a bit pointless, but at least I had warmed up a bit.

***

"Get me out of here!" I shouted from below. I had fallen into a hole four or five meters deep in the ground, but luckily I was unharmed.

"I can't," Hector replied. I couldn't see his face; it was just a black spot against the sunlight filtering through the treetops.

"Then get a stick!" I yelled, furious. "Or tear off a branch, I don't think I need to tell you!"

"I can't," Hektor repeated, and the black blur vanished from my vision.

***

I ran through the forest. My bare feet slid across the snow, occasionally falling. I was panting heavily. Finally, exhausted and terrified, I collapsed to the ground, panting heavily. I looked around. I was in the same clearing I'd found myself in when everything disappeared.

***

"Hektor!" I screamed, "Hektor!"

But my companion didn't respond. I tried to climb up, grabbing at the protruding roots, but they stayed in my hands. A moment later, a clod of earth fell on my face.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked, but I already knew perfectly well what Hektor was doing. He was burying me alive.

***

I lay on my back and thought I was dying, but then I heard the crunch of snow.

"Thank God," I heard someone's voice. "Thank God!"

***

"Just out of curiosity," I said, trying to shield myself from the earth falling on me with my hands. "When did you dig this hole?

" "At night," Hektor replied graciously. "You sleep like a baby."

First, I tried throwing earth up towards Hektor. But it was a miserable success, especially since he started using one of our baskets, which he had clearly emptied of water lilies and berries, to replace the forest's bounty with earth. Then I tried climbing again, but the damn roots kept breaking free from the wet earth. Finally, I started patting down the earth Hektor was throwing down, trying to stay higher and not sink in. And it was a good idea, but when Hektor realized what I was doing, he started hitting me with branches and stones.

"Stop, damn it," I screamed as one of the stones smashed into my forehead. "At least tell me what you mean!" But Hektor kept burying me.

***

Hector, who had found me in the snow that day, wrapped me in some skin and dragged me to the makeshift shelter he'd cobbled together. Then, with considerable difficulty, he lit a fire by rubbing two pieces of dry wood together. I thought to myself that maybe I'd survive after all, and I said quietly,

"Thank God."

***

When I was buried almost up to my neck, Hector stopped shoveling earth into the hole. He sat down on the edge of the hole, so I could see his legs, wrapped in lagomorph skin.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, lisping through teeth that had been knocked out by one of the stones. Silence answered me.

***

When I had recovered somewhat, and thank God, I hadn't gotten frostbite, Hector explained what had happened. Our town had vanished, and in its place were the forest, valleys, lake, river, and so on. He suspected some catastrophe had struck, which apparently only the two of us had survived. Fortunately, while wandering through the forest, he found something like a shelter, and inside, some dry wood, some dried meat, and some leather for covering.

***

"You said it yourself," Hektor finally said, "that it wasn't a disaster. An atomic bomb, or anything like that. At first, I didn't believe you, but over time, I came to the conclusion that you must be right."

He fell silent for a moment, so I used that time to whine for him to let me out of the trap. In response, he threw a clod of earth on my head.

"Come on," he said, "your fate is sealed."

***

For over 15 years, we searched for other people and any signs of civilization. We crisscrossed the continent, only occasionally allowing ourselves a longer break, a few weeks at most. To no avail.

***

"So since we've traveled, by my reckoning, about 40,000 kilometers," Hector said, and I sobbed quietly, because what else was I supposed to do, "and found nothing but forests, lakes, steppes, and fucking mountains, not to mention any people, it looks like God had a good time and left only the two of us on Earth.

" "Not necessarily," I stopped crying. "Maybe on another continent?"

"Hush, hush," Hector said calmly. "Let me finish, okay?

" "Okay, okay," I agreed, and started sniffling again.

"So I thought," my torturer continued, "that if that's the case, I'll have a little fun with God. He won't have two monkeys, just one.

" ***

I think that's enough about what happened. I think that's enough.

***

"Listen," I whimpered. "Let me go, will you? I'll go away and that's all you'll see of me. I'll leave you a supply of mushrooms and berry berries." And I have a savage hidden in the tree hollow.

- Oh - Hector was surprised - Where did you get the savage from?

"I hunted him once when you were sick," I replied, but I must admit I was lying. There wasn't a savage; I would never have hunted him myself. I tried once, but he only gored me with his tusks, and if I hadn't fled up a tree, he probably would have cut me pretty badly.

"Good," Hector said. "Thanks."

I tried to look him in the face, but the sun was still shining, so I could only see his legs clearly.

"So?" I asked pleadingly. "Will you let me go? I'll disappear and you'll never see me again.

" "I can't let you go," Hector replied. "Because it'll still be two monkeys."

There was a moment of silence, and then Hector stood up and started throwing dirt at me again, accompanied by my screams and wails. And suddenly something strange happened. First I heard the savage squeal. Then Hector's scream. Then my companion landed on my head.

"Jesus," he said, scrambling and trying to get up. "Did you see?" A savage attacked me. He was as big as a hundred dicks.

Hektor almost stood up, leaning against the walls of the hole, but suddenly his hands slipped on the soft, wet earth, his feet lost their balance, and my companion landed on my head again. His face was right next to mine. Without thinking, I stretched my neck as far as I could and pressed my lips against Hektor's. Before he could react, in surprise, I was already sucking his tongue in as deeply as I could. Then I gritted my teeth.

***

I don't even remember how I managed to get out of the hole. I only know that I was emerging from the ground inch by inch, using my entire body to push it apart. Then I remember making a ladder out of the dead Hektor and climbing it up. And that was it, I returned to the shelter.

And now there's one little monkey, not two. I'm a bit lonely, but then again, now that I think about it, Hector was a real dick anyway.