I didn't notice I didn't notice..

 

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I'd never felt better. I was absolutely unrestricted, one hundred percent free and independent of anything, and above all, my existence wasn't dictated by any individual of the human species. I couldn't quite remember what had happened, but I was certain that something must have happened if it had led to such a unique and rare state of blissful freedom, the one I'd always longed for. A strange flash of realization woke me from this euphoria – something was wrong... Why had this state come today? Why not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today, at this very moment?

Intrigued by this observation, I got up and, after completing a series of daily morning activities, left the house. Walking through the city streets, I passed people who paid no attention to anyone, so I did the same. I ignored them and began unconsciously passing the figures passing by. I've always been surprised by this peculiar habit of my fellow humans, who encounter so many—perhaps—interesting characters along the way, and then simply pass them by. They don't seek to establish any connection. Yet the main premise underlying the creation of so many individuals was to be in the company of others, to maintain and continually establish new interpersonal relationships. Meanwhile, individuals, instead of seeking a smile, a glance, a kind gesture, retreat into the hermetic spheres of their own selves, avoiding all these socially natural situations like the plague. Over the years, something has developed that everyone has become accustomed to calling society, but in reality, it resembles more of an antisocial group of isolated dried fruit in a cake, incoherently combining them into a homogeneous mass, to which the beautiful-sounding label: society has been applied.

And so I thought as I wandered through the streets, heading for an unfamiliar destination. As I pondered the fate of people as alienated individuals, the same question flashed through my mind again: "Why am I pondering this today? After all, day in and day out, I behaved exactly like all these people, trying to have as little in common with them as possible, and somehow their separation never bothered me. I always consoled myself with the thought that I was better than them. However, these thoughts only served to bolster my own ego, perpetually eager for praise. In truth, I wasn't better than them in anything, perhaps at most different, but that shouldn't be a mental determinant, because everyone is different. The world is made up of millions of different people.

I couldn't rationally explain why this abnormal yet deeply rooted situation suddenly began to bother me, why I began to attach importance to it. What irritated me most, however, wasn't the mere fact of people's indifference, but my own sudden sensitivity, which sometimes reached a state of hypersensitivity.

Another thing that surprised me, something I only realized after some time, was that I wasn't rushing anywhere, absolutely nowhere. I didn't have to do anything, I didn't have anything to do, no one was waiting for me. I had unlimited free time. Thinking about it, I was tempted to say that this was a privilege of my current state—a state of supreme freedom. Unlike hypersensitivity, I could accept this without much resistance. I'd constantly complained about the lack of time, and finally, I'd been granted freedom, so I felt good about it. And my satisfaction was fueled by the awareness that the people passing me had none at all, were constantly rushing, their minds full of worries, troubles, and problems. I could fill this free space with dreams and deep, purely existential reflections. They couldn't afford that. I could stop at any moment, turn around, gaze at the sky, or listen to the city bustle. They didn't have time for that. I had gained an undoubted advantage over them, one they don't have over me and never will. This pleasant thought drowned out the irritation churning in my head. So, immersed in clouds of joy and freedom, I happily continued walking.

As I traversed the city, I encountered more and more familiar faces, but strangely, they didn't notice me. Without the slightest sign of joy or any other emotion, they simply passed me by. Their faces were shrouded in a haze of dejection. This deeply saddened me and quickly dispelled the clouds of joy, though, of course, freedom remained. My delight at the situation faded somewhat. Because who needs freedom if you can't enjoy it and share it with your loved ones? I even wanted to approach them and ask what was going on, but I didn't have the courage when I saw their blank stares and expressionless faces. I decided to wait it out. After all, everyone is entitled to a bad day. After all, I'm often cold to them and ignore them. So I just ignored it and kept walking.

Suddenly, a large building loomed in my path. I had to enter it to cross the street. The distinct atmosphere of a hospital was palpable inside. A little terrified, I made my way to the exit door. I lost my way in the maze of dark corridors. Sick people staggered beside me, immersed in their suffering, pain, and tragedy. They paid no attention to me. I wasn't surprised, as I knew they had their own problems and probably didn't even know I existed, so I accepted it calmly. It was a perfectly normal situation. Besides, their illness aside, I didn't think these people knew how to escape this terrible place. This frantic journey through the hospital's nooks and crannies lasted for a long time, but I couldn't pinpoint the exact time, as the watch I still wore suddenly disappeared. Suddenly, I encountered a person completely different from those I'd seen before. Judging by their attire, it was a member of the staff. In any case, this figure seemed competent enough to help me escape this vast, dark, terrifying labyrinth, at the end of which there was no telling what might lurk. However, as history teaches us, it can't be pleasant. So I approached this person and began to describe, in the most graphic way possible, the dire situation I had found myself in. However, I was completely ignored! Completely irritated by the insolence of this individual, I turned on my heel and, without a word, took my problems and went to find someone more willing to help. However, I guess I was destined for no escape, because I didn't encounter anyone else. In an instant, the place filled with people was deserted—as if by magic. However, the spells hadn't added a shred of charm or color to the building; quite the opposite—the remaining faded grays had been stripped away, and a more gloomy, terrifying blackness had been added. So I wandered on. Alone, forgotten, and sad, with a cloud of total freedom around me that no longer brought me any joy. Only now did I realize the high price to pay for such liberation.

In an instant, I began to respect and appreciate what I'd already lost. These several strange situations that had occurred today had given me a lot to think about. Walking down those corridors, already without any hope of ever getting out, I asked myself: How could I have been so selfish? How could I have constantly thought about myself, forgetting about my loved ones? I knew I had to make amends now; I knew that what had happened to me today was punishment for my past behavior. I decided that immediately after freeing myself, I would make up for all the bad things I had sometimes deliberately done to them. Now that I had found the motivation to free myself as quickly as possible, I began frantically searching for a door, a window, or anything else that could be a passageway to my colorful world. I tried every possible combination of passages, but none seemed a viable escape route.

And again, the question flashed through my mind: "Why did this happen to me today?" I couldn't dwell on it now—I had to get out. I couldn't let my selfishness cause me to lose everyone I cared about. I had to break free and run to them, apologize, tell them the truth about how much I needed them, how much I cared about them. There were so many things I wanted to tell them, but I couldn't.

Running blindly, oblivious to everything. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a wall rose before me, impossible to avoid. For a moment, I tried to scream, to beat on the hard wall with my fists, but nothing helped. The wall remained in place, completely unaffected by my despairing anger. Suddenly, I felt my space, the only thing I had left, being taken away. I helplessly sank to the floor and began to cry. I didn't even want to, but tears welled up in my eyes. A whisper pulled me from the depths of despair. I felt a hand on my shoulder. When I lifted my soaked eyes, I saw an extraordinary glow that instantly dried them, and the glow emanating from the figure hovering above me flooded me with a smile and blissful peace. I felt myself regaining my freedom and strength. The figure spoke in a warm voice: "Take my hand and come with me, and everything will become clear." I couldn't refuse. I unconsciously grabbed his hand and went. Now, with Him, the path seemed so straight and obvious, and at the same time, the terrifying blackness was illuminated by light. Enchanted by everything that was happening, I didn't notice that we had entered some strange room I hadn't encountered before. I began to look around, and in one corner I noticed some people. They looked strangely familiar, but at first I didn't recognize them. Only when I was led closer did I determine their identities. They were my loved ones – my family, friends, acquaintances, and a few people I only knew by sight. Surprised, I asked my Guide: "Why are they all here? Why are they sad? Why are they silent? Why aren't they paying attention to me?" Only then did my gaze settle on the opposite corner of the room. Something strange was standing there. I didn't know what it was. I approached the object and saw that it was a very ordinary one, made of oak and brown, with a cross on the top… eternally without hot water or light, an apartment with a door that opened only once. I didn't understand what it was all about. I ran to my parents, but they paid no attention to me. I spoke to them, but they didn't hear.

Only then did everything begin to sink in. She understood everything… I already knew why everyone was ignoring me. I knew why no one wanted to help me – they didn't want to because they couldn't do anything. Now I could easily answer the question that had been troubling me all day: "Why am I paying attention to things that until now had been indifferent to me?" What I realized sufficiently explained to me why I had so much time, why I wasn't in a hurry, why I was so sensitive to this social isolation, and above all, why I had reached this state of blissful freedom. The answer was simple – I simply didn't have to rush anywhere or do anything anymore, because I no longer had anything – everything had been taken from me. I was free because there was nothing to restrict my freedom.

I was roused from my reverie by the figure who accompanied me, telling me it was time for me to go and I had to go, because this was no longer the place for me. My time on earth was over, and I couldn't fight it. I don't think I even wanted to, because I didn't really know how. I passively submitted to my Guide's will and followed Him. He led me to the light, to a better life, to something different, to a place from which there was no escape.

Eventually, I resigned myself to the thought that I would never see my loved ones again, the people I cared about and still care about. It was hard for me to realize that I hadn't fulfilled my resolution to be better for them, to apologize, to tell them how much I needed them. I couldn't understand why I hadn't done this for so many years. How could I have failed to care for them when they were with me? But I came to this realization too late.

I was so busy, so self-absorbed, that I didn't notice how many people were suffering because of me, how many I was neglecting, how little time I had for them. I was too self-absorbed to notice the fact that I had just died. My life had faded like a faint flame, and I hadn't noticed it. I had simply omitted this most essential element of every human being's existence. Only now have I understood… but it's too late for anything...