Not long ago, there lived a girl named Małgosia, whose father was a lumberjack. She also had a brother, Jaś, who had Dawn's syndrome. They were very poor and couldn't afford whole-grain bread, so they only bought regular bread. They were actually quite prosperous until one day the forest ran out of trees. Their father, a lumberjack, put on new felts and went to the village to work for the social services. After being kicked out, he had a breakdown and started drinking. Soon after, their mother died because, while returning from the field with the cows, she stepped on a neighbor's high-voltage barbed wire fence. Fortunately, the cow survived. Their father became so indebted that he had to sell his best felts. The debts continued to mount, and slowly, the no-longer-young lumberjack removed all the valuables from the house. He still retained a shred of common sense, and one day, when he was sober, he led the children deep into the felled forest. Jaś, though Dawn, realized what was going on. He followed behind them the whole way, throwing pebbles behind him. At first, he wanted to throw bread, but there was only beer in the house. When they had gone far enough and the old cottage was no longer in sight, their father said,
"Well, children, stay here, and I have to go home, because I forgot my beloved bottle. But don't come back without me."
So they stayed. It was getting darker and darker. Gretel waited patiently, and Hansel had a feeling something like this was about to happen, and when his father hadn't returned after two hours, he said to Gretel,
"Come on... Come on... Let's walk on the pebbles.
" "What? There aren't any pebbles here," Gretel replied, surprised.
"There are," Hansel replied, and started back along the pebble trail.
Gretel sighed and, not wanting to be left alone, followed Hansel. After a moment, the pebble trail ended. Surprised, Hansel stopped and looked around.
Suddenly, a masked criminal jumped out of the nearby bushes.
"Aaaah!" Jasiu shouted and fell to the ground.
The attacker lunged at the terrified boy and began to strangle him. Małogosia sighed. She approached and watched the two struggle on the ground for a moment, then with one powerful kick, she threw the attacker two meters away. He stood up unperturbed, dusted himself off. He exposed his claws and, with a loud meow, lunged at the girl.
"Wait a minute! You're a cat!" the surprised girl exclaimed.
"So what? Fight!"
He ran up to the girl. He was twice her size. She grabbed his head and held him back. The cat struggled and tried to scratch her with a claw. After a few minutes, he calmed down.
"Okay. You won. How did you know I was a cat?" he asked, standing with his arms folded, waiting for an answer.
"First of all, your mask fell off...
" "Oh fuck..." the cat cursed.
"...secondly," the girl continued impassively, "you showed your claws."
"I don't have a knife because some bandits stole something nasty, so what am I supposed to defend myself with...
" "...thirdly, you meowed, and fourthly, dude, it's obvious you're a cat from a mile away. Who are you trying to fool?
" "I don't want to fool anyone because I don't chew gum.
" "That's not what I meant."
During their conversation, the beaten Jaś crawled along the ground towards the bushes. When he got there, he collapsed from exhaustion, not used to such adventures.
"What's your name anyway?" asked Małogosia, completely ignoring Jaś.
"And you? Because I don't talk to strangers," replied the cat.
"Gośka.
" "I had the nickname 'Cat in Felts,' but now for my new job I've changed it to 'Forest Murderer.' Do you like it? Scary, huh?
" "Rather abnormal... and besides, you're as much of a murderer as I am a girl."
"So I'm a murderer! Ah, finally someone has admitted it."
And so, chatting, they set off down the path, leaving Jasio in the bushes. After an hour, when Małgosia had become well acquainted with the Forest Murderer, formerly known as the Felt Cat, she remembered Jasio.
"I just remembered I forgot about Jasio!" Małgosia said very intelligently.
"Ignore it," the Cat waved his hand.
"No, I can't ever leave him. I promised my mother I'd look after him," she said, already turning back. "
Damn... she was already after me, and now there are complications," he muttered to himself and trotted after her.
"What did you say?
" "To hurry up."
They soon reached the place where they'd left Jasio. They combed the surrounding bushes and found nothing but a sleeping Jasio. They woke him up rudely and continued their journey. They walked through the forest for a long time, until they finally reached a small cottage in a clearing. It was already very dark, and everyone was very tired. So they knocked on the cottage's door, and then the cat said,
"I... well... I have to go.
" "What do you mean? Where will you stay?
" "I've been living in the forest for two years now, so I'll manage today too. But don't worry, we'll meet again. Bye.
" "Bye," the girl replied sadly.
As soon as the Forest Murderer had moved a safe distance away, the cottage door opened slightly.
"What?" a screeching voice came from behind them.
"We wanted to spend the night here," said Małgosia.
"Do you see a sign saying 'accommodation' anywhere?" asked the voice from behind the door ironically.
"No, but we were counting on your good will," replied Małgosia.
"Then you miscalculated. I have very bad intentions towards the children.
" "But it doesn't matter. We just wanted to sleep peacefully for one night.
" "I only have room in the cages.
" "That's fine!" – the girl was happy.
The door opened a little further, and the children saw the old woman Jadźka, well-known to everyone in the neighborhood.
"Come in then," she said sweetly.
"With pleasure. Come on, Jaś. "
But Jaś didn't move from his spot.
"Jaś, free food!"
At these words, Jaś ran up the steps as fast as he could and was the first inside.
"Hey! Wait a minute. Who was talking about free food?" Jadźka asked.
"Yes, but that's just a cheap trick to get Jaś," said Małgosia, explaining her tried-and-true method.
When they entered, the old woman led them to a strange room filled with iron cages, towering to the ceiling. Each one had a sign at the bottom: BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, AFTERNOON SNAKING, DINNER.
"Are these your rations?
" "Yeah. As you can see, it's empty. I have regular food in the fridge.
" "Aha." But there's no sign saying SECOND BREAKFAST. You're not eating well.
"Don't pick on me. Now get into those cages marked DINNER.
" "You mean we'll only eat dinner?" the surprised girl asked.
"Something like that," Jadźka said with a smile.
"Why do we have to get into those cages?" the girl asked. "Is this some kind of Coperfield game?
" "Yeah, right," Jadźka replied.
She locked the children in the cages and went to sleep. After a moment, a dark figure approached her bed. Jadźka, startled, turned on the nightlight. It turned out that Małgosia was standing at the foot of her bed, smiling.
"When will dinner be?" she asked.
"It just arrived," the woman muttered, and then said loudly, "What are you doing here? How did you manage to get out of the cage?"
"You yourself admitted it was some kind of Coperfield game. I opened the padlock with a hairpin."
Jadźka, surprised, didn't know what to say for a moment. Finally, she regained her composure and said,
"Well, yes, and now for the complication. Give me all the hairpins.
" "Jasia too?" the girl asked suspiciously.
"Yes, Jasia too," Jadźka said.
"That won't give us any chance of escape," the devastated girl declared .
"Come on," Jadźka smiled, impressed with her own cleverness.
The girl returned and locked herself in the cage. She sat on the ground for a long time, wondering how to escape. She couldn't think of anything. She thought the hairpin idea was good enough, but it was clearly not original. Jaś, seeing her sister struggling to think of a way out, asked,
"Can't we just... can we just... just... leave?"
Małgosia completely ignored his words, because when she was lost in thought, nothing was getting through to her. She didn't even notice when someone entered the room unnoticed. Someone very short.
"Psst... Psst... Gośka," he whispered.
But the girl didn't reply.
"Hey! Gośka!" he continued in a whisper.
Nothing.
"Hey, girl, wake up!" he exclaimed.
Małgosia finally woke up.
"Oh! Forest Murderer! It's so good to see you again. I didn't think we'd meet so soon.
" "There's no time for pleasantries. Every second counts. I have to free you.
" "But we have to free ourselves, and besides, neither I nor Jaś have any more hairpins.
" "What do I need a hairpin for?" the tomcat said, extending one of his sharp claws.
It took him a moment, but he unlocked the padlock.
"Okay, now free Jaś," Małgosia said.
"Is it necessary?
" "Yes."
Once the cat had rescued both children, they quietly left the cottage. However, Małgosia left a note on the kitchen table: "Jadźka, sorry we ran away, but the Forest Murderer, the former Cat in Felt, came for us, and we had to go with him to pick mushrooms. Cheers. Bye, Hansel and Gretel."
In reality, they weren't picking mushrooms, but were quickly retreating into the forest.
"Okay, listen, I have to leave you again," the Forest Murderer said after a moment.
"Why?!" the girl howled shrilly.
"Because there's no jam," the cat retorted.
"Then buy some at the Biedronka store," Hansel said politely.
The girl and the cat looked at him in astonishment.
"Jasiu! You're smart!" Gretel exclaimed .
"Wh... what?" Hansel asked in his usual voice.
"But you're not!" the cat concluded. "Anyway, follow this path." When dawn breaks, you should reach the town where my friend Garfield lives. Stop by his place, and I'll be there around noon.
"Fine. But how will we find him there?
" "Ask about Garfield. Everyone knows him there," said the Forest Murderer, turning off into the bushes.
The siblings walked along the narrow path for a long time until they came to a clearing. There, from above, was a beautiful view of the town.
"Jasiu! Look how beautiful it is!" exclaimed Małgosia, stepping into a cow pie.
"M...m... you have f... f... poop on your leg..." replied Jaś.
"Indeed," the girl remarked.
They went down to the town. Right at the first house, they encountered an old man. So Małgosia asked him.
"Good morning. Do you know Garfield?"
"I don't, what?" the guy grumbled. "
Really? I thought everyone knew him," she said, surprised.
"I don't. Leave me alone."
They continued walking and met a woman. Małgosia asked.
"Do you know Garfield?"
"No. Should I?" the woman replied.
"Well, you should," Małgosia said after some thought.
"Then you can introduce me to him. Does he have a wife? Children?" the woman asked curiously.
"I don't know. I've never seen him before.
" "Then why the hell are you bothering me, brat?!" she snapped and walked in the opposite direction.
"So what? Nobody knows him."
They walked around the city for another two hours, but with the same result. None of them knew any Garfield. Devastated, tired, and hungry, the girl sat down on the curb and wrapped her arms around her legs.
"What are we going to do now, Jasiu? Nobody in the entire city knows Garfield.
" "Garfield?
" "Garfield?
" The girl turned her head. Behind her, on a garbage can, stood two gray-brown cats.
"Do you know him?" Małgosia asked hopefully.
"Sure! Who wouldn't know Garfield!" one of them said.
"Exactly. We ask and ask, and no one knows him! The girl replied sadly.
"You probably ask people, but every cat in town knows him," the second cat with a scar over his left eye reminded her.
"Of course," said Małgosia. "Is Garfield a cat?"
"Aha! You guessed it," replied the first cat.
"And where does he live?
" "We'll take you to him. It's not far," suggested the one with the scar, jumping down from the dumpster, standing in front of the girl, and shouted at the second cat. "Come on, brother!"
The cats led the children to a well-kept house, strikingly similar to all the houses in the entire town.
"Now, enter through the flap in the door," instructed the first cat.
"How?" asked the surprised girl.
"Normally! Haven't you ever entered through a flap in the door?" asked the surprised cat.
"Idiot, they're people, in case you haven't noticed." They don't enter through the door flaps, but through the door, which is probably locked," the one with the scar scolded his brother and turned to the children. "Forgive my brother's incompetence, he gets like that sometimes. Wait here, I'll call Garfield. "
A moment later, he returned, leading a large, plump ginger tomcat behind him.
"This is Garfield.
" "What did you want? I was just eating tuna," he said by way of greeting.
"Sorry to interrupt, but..." Małgosia began to explain.
"Make it short!" he interrupted impatiently.
"...the Forest Murderer sent us here.
The cats clearly knew him.
" "Ah! the Forest Murderer! How's the old flea man?" Garfield beamed.
"He's fine. He saved us from Jadźka. He told us to come to you and we're to wait here for him until noon."
- Okay, then go for a walk somewhere, because I'm eating now and besides, I don't have a free house - said Garfield.
"Is the owner home? Sympathy," the one with the scar asked.
So, Hansel and Gretel decided to go for a short walk. When they reached the edge of town, they spotted a tall turret in a field of poppies. Curious, they headed in that direction. They were walking through the field when suddenly Hansel fell. Gretel, out of principle, didn't stop at all. When Hansel didn't get up for a long time, she decided to turn back. Hansel lay there, clearly dazed, with a plastic bucket on his head. Gretel woke her brother with a strong kick, who immediately stood up.
"Take that ridiculous bucket off your head, you look awful without it," she began complimenting him.
"I... I... I can't.
" "How so?" the surprised girl asked, and tried to take the bucket off her brother's head herself, but it was indeed stuck. "Well, that bucket even suits you."
So they continued towards the tower, with the difference that Hansel kept falling over.
"Don't keep falling over, you'll break the bucket!" Gretel shouted at him, and from then on he was walking nicely.
When they reached the tower and stood beneath it, they realized it wasn't as high as it seemed. It was perhaps 5 meters high, and at the very top, in an open window, sat a pretty young girl, braiding her long blond hair and singing a very ugly and obscene song about three piglets. At the sight of her siblings, she stopped and shouted from the tower in a very sweet, thin voice.
"Oh! I've finally arrived!" My knight has arrived with his white steed and some kind of donkey at his side.
Surprised Gretel looked around but saw neither knight, steed, nor donkey.
"What are you talking about?" she called from below.
"Not to you!" "She shouted back in her normal tone, then continued in the voice of a sweet idiot. "Come to me, oh beautiful knight with a bucket on his head! Just don't forget your steed, but leave the donkey.
" "I'm coming, beautiful princess, even though I'm blind and can't see a thing," Hansel called in a sexy voice.
Gretel nearly fainted, having never suspected Hansel of any intelligence.
She stared at the white bucket in surprise, as it was currently her brother's head. The girl let her long braids fall from the tower and found they reached the ground. Hansel, without a second thought, began climbing them. Gretel also approached and grabbed the end of one of the braids.
"You have split ends," she shouted to the girl upstairs, who completely ignored her.
Gretel, since she was supposed to be watching her brother, also began to climb.
"And where are you going, donkey?" the blonde exclaimed indignantly.
"What do you mean, where? Up!" Małgosia replied resolutely.
"No way," the blonde replied, and as soon as Hansel was inside, she cut off her braids with a handy cleaver.
Małgosia fell from a height of at least three meters and lost consciousness.
"And one! And two! We're carrying the boys!"
Małgosia opened her eyes and noticed with surprise that she was back in the forest, or more precisely, in some kind of large rectangular cardboard box with two small holes for the eyes. Moreover, the box was rocking from side to side. Right, left, right, left... Małgosia felt terribly ill, and after a moment...
"Guys, did you hear that?!" someone shouted in a thin voice.
"Sure. Apparently, she might be alive after all," said another voice.
"What?" the slightly thicker voice than the others didn't understand.
"In short: She's alive," the first one explained.
The box lid opened, and Małgosia saw seven almost identical heads looming over her.
"Oh my god!" "—one individual exclaimed at the sight of the remaining contents of the box.
"Not good..." said the second.
"...me," finished the third.
And as one, they all returned their breakfast to the confused Małgosia, then quickly closed the box.
"It's a bit dirty in here," Małgosia remarked.
"Let's carry it home quickly," one of them said weakly.
And a moment later, the box clattered to the ground, and Małgosia emerged. She staggered after seven dwarves in red hats. Of course, she hit her head on the doorframe, but she went inside. As soon as she got there, she looked around and noticed that the walls were wallpapered with obscene pictures. In the center of the room was a low, long table with eight small wooden chairs. Beside each chair was a set of tableware. On all the plates were large steaks.
"Let's eat then!" said one of the dwarves, licking his lips at the sight of the food.
Małgosia's stomach growled loudly, as she hadn't eaten in two days. Everyone in the room looked at her.
"Would you like to eat with us? From what I can see, there's still one steak left," suggested one of the dwarves.
"I'd love to. I'm incredibly hungry," the girl confessed.
"Help! Alien!" cried the fattest and perhaps stupidest of the dwarves.
"It's just a saying," Małgosia stammered.
No one said anything to this, so the girl sat down at the table to eat. When she sat down on a small stool, it immediately broke, and Małgosia landed on the ground.
"It's nothing..." said the dwarf, who had already taken off his red hat.
"Boys! Are you back yet? You can come and help me, I can't do it alone," a girl's voice came from behind the door.
"Sure!" all seven of them exclaimed.
As soon as all the dwarves had disappeared behind the door, Małgosia greedily fell upon the steaks, not even noticing when she had eaten all eight pieces and emptied all eight cups. She was just starting to eat her napkin when she finally heard sounds from the next room.
"Strange, what are they doing in there?" the girl said to herself and rose from the table.
As she approached the door, full of suspicion, it suddenly opened. One of the dwarves stood there, almost naked, with a plunger in his hand.
"Oh! That toilet was so clogged!" he said, wiping the sweat from his forehead.
A moment later, the rest of the dwarves arrived. They were all dirty from top to bottom. Behind them briskly walked a young girl in an apron, also dirty. The dwarves rushed to the table and saw that all the plates were empty.
"Someone's been eating from my plate!" "—exclaimed one of the dwarves, pointing to his empty plate.
"I didn't notice," said Małgosia.
"Someone's been drinking from my cup!" exclaimed another, peering into his own.
He turned it upside down and shook it. There wasn't a drop. He looked at his companions in misery.
"I didn't see anything," said Małgosia.
"And Snow White is sleeping in my bed, and I'm not complaining!" shouted the fatter dwarf.
After a moment, everyone's eyes fell on the flustered Małgosia.
"What? It wasn't me!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then who?" one of the dwarves said in a very angry voice.
Sweat began to pour from Małgosia, and soon the entire floor of the small room was drenched. Małgosia thought frantically about what to do and decided to use an old trick.
"Him!" she shouted, pointing to the upper corner of the room.
Everyone's eyes shifted to the corner of the room, and then Małgosia fled. She ran quickly. Her wet clothes slowed her movements, and after a moment, she stopped completely. She looked back in panic, but surprisingly, no one was chasing her. So she went back to see what had happened. When she reached the cottage, she saw an extraordinary scene.
The seven dwarves and their cleaning lady, Snow White, were bending over a frightened little spider.
"You bastard!!! You ate my steak!!! You'll pay for that!!!" roared a dwarf with a deep voice.
"You drank my beer!" another dwarf shouted, choking the poor spider. "And we were catching flies!"
Only the spider noticed Małgosia's arrival. Barely conscious, it pointed at the girl with one of its legs.
"That's her! I saw it from my upper right corner.
" "Oops! I did it again!" – Małgosia shouted melodiously and ran away as quickly as possible.
This time, as usual, a chase followed the fleeing girl. Małgosia fled, screaming wildly, while her tormentors followed silently. The girl ran, oblivious to obstacles. Finally, she collided with a tree and fainted, falling to the ground. The dwarves and Snow White reached her and were wondering what to do with her when a masked bandit suddenly attacked them, flying toward them, hanging from a branch. He dropped to the ground opposite them and said,
"Be afraid! Here comes the Forest Murderer! The terror of the neighborhood!"
Everyone stood impassively, listening to his idiotic monologue. Finally, one dwarf interrupted him and asked,
"Hey, man! That's all well and good, but can't you see an execution is taking place here? Could you come back later or sit quietly and not disturb me?
" "But...
" "Shut up!" they all shouted in unison.
"Okay, okay."
After a moment, however, the Forest Killer remembered why he'd come and said,
"Sorry to interrupt, but I came to save her, so it looks like I have to kill you all...
" "What? You think you can handle all of us alone?" asked one of the dwarves, surprised.
"Yeah! But just in case..." said the cat, then stopped and whistled, "...I took a handful of my friends with me."
As soon as he whistled, tomcats emerged from behind all the bushes and surrounded them in a tight circle. There were about a thousand of them. The dwarves and Snow White had a heart attack at the sight. The Forest Killer clapped his hands and looked around at his victims.
"Oh!" he sighed sentimentally, "victor again!"
Małgosia woke up. She saw her tormentors lying dead on the ground and that the Forest Killer had saved her. She stood up and threw her arms around his neck. The Forest Killer smiled and winked at Garfield, who was in charge of all the city cats, and gave him a thumbs-up, to which Garfield showed him his middle claw. The Forest Killer rolled his eyes.
"My savior!" Małgosia shouted, like the woman in the Zbyszko drink ad.
"What's owed?" the Forest Killer asked playfully.
"I don't have any change," Małgosia said sadly.
"That's not the point..." the tomcat replied.
"K opaw..." the crowd began to chant, but the Forest Killer silenced them and said.
"I'll tell you what," he said to Małgosia and kissed her.
"Bleee!" the crowd shuddered.
And then suddenly a very drunk forester, Wacek, who had just stepped out of the bushes and, because he hated "Happy Ends," shot at the lovers Małgosia and the Forest Murderer, formerly known as the Cat in Felt.
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