paralysis

Karolina carried the shopping bags into the kitchen, placed them on the floor, and then went to the balcony to light a cigarette. She passed Adam's bed. He followed her with his eyes. And only with his eyes. The rest of his body had long been refusing to obey him. Karolina pulled out her lighter and in a moment took a deep drag. The sun was slowly setting. Another day passed in this quiet house.

But it wasn't always this way. Karolina had been there for six months. There were others before her. They didn't last long. They couldn't stand the oppressive atmosphere that permeated the entire house. It was hard to believe it had once been teeming with life. Sometimes too much so. The neighbors couldn't complain. Life pulsed here, but it rarely left its four walls. Sometimes it was laughter, sometimes crying. Lately, it was mostly screaming.

Someone rang the doorbell. Karolina stubbed out her cigarette in the ashtray on the windowsill and went to answer it. It was Jaśminka, returning from the yard. Adam and Isia's daughter. She was almost 7 years old and a very smart and beautiful girl. Many people felt sorry for her after what happened to her parents, but she maintained a cheerful disposition. She always warmly welcomed the various caregivers who took care of the entire household. Karolina had stayed with them the longest, and Jaśminka had become truly close to her. Whenever she could, she helped with household chores. In the evenings, Karolina helped her with her homework. They often read stories together or watched evening cartoons together. No one helped or interrupted them. Even though Jaśminka's parents were just next door.

This happened about a year ago...

***

For some time now, they had both sensed that something was wrong in their relationship. Sure, they talked, but less and less about everyday, ordinary things. More often about the future, about how they could try their hardest to save their relationship. Over time, the conversations turned into arguments. Lately, only arguments remained.

Adam came home late from work. Cold leftovers from dinner were in the kitchen. Isia didn't come out to greet him. She didn't offer to heat up dinner. Adam hadn't asked her to. Instead, he went to clean up, then grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on the other side of the table where Isia was sitting, facing the TV. He grabbed the remote and started flipping through channels.

"Could you leave the remote alone?" Isia asked. "I was watching a movie, in case you hadn't noticed.

" "Oh, there you are," Adam replied. "You're sitting so quietly, I almost didn't notice you.

" "That's not funny, give me the remote and leave me alone.

" "It's my TV, I bought it, and I'll watch whatever I want."

Isia had a hard day at work and decided, for once, not to get involved in the argument. She got up and went to Jaśminka's room. Their daughter was six years old and just learning to write. Isia took her in her arms, sat her on her lap, and kissed her ear. She buried her face in Jaśminka's hair and fought back the tears for a moment. She swallowed hard; too hard, she didn't want Jaśminka to know something was wrong again. She praised her for her beautifully written letters. Then she colored a book with her for a while. They chose colors together. Like two best friends. Like two little girls oblivious to the problems surrounding them.

When Jaśminka was already in bed, Isia turned on a story and went to the shower herself. She turned on the hot water, always doing this first, so that the first cold stream would flow before she stepped into the shower. She undressed slowly. She felt very tired. Not so much physically, but mentally, though it was causing her entire body to suffer. She examined herself in the mirror. She had heard many times that she was a very attractive, beautiful woman. Looking at herself, she had to admit that she truly was. So what if the man closest to her seemed to have forgotten that? She stepped under the warm stream of water and for a long moment enjoyed the warmth that enveloped her. Did I still desire Adam? She wasn't so sure anymore. She loved Jaśminka and would do a lot for her. Anything, in fact. But how much longer could she endure in this situation?

She reached for a sponge and began rubbing her body with the rough side. It was as if she wanted to wash away all the evil that surrounded her. Her body had long since been clean, but she continued to wash herself with hot water.

Adam, meanwhile, was finishing another bottle of beer, sitting in front of the TV. Isia entered the kitchen and saw an untouched dinner. She stood for a moment, feeling anger surge through her again. Perhaps that hadn't been a sufficient reason before, but not now. Now she quickly lost her balance and flew into anger. Sometimes completely unexpectedly. Like now.

When her anger crossed a certain line, Isia walked briskly to the room where Adam was sitting. Seeing the empty bottles on the table, her anger reached its peak.

Another fight began...

***

It was already dark, Karolina made herself green tea and sat in the kitchen. She didn't even turn on the light. She played some music quietly and pondered. Too many words had been said that evening, too many actions...

***

The fairy tale ended, and the tape recorder in Jaśminka's room turned off. The girl sat on the bed and began to pray, as she did every evening.

"Our Father, who art in heaven...

" "Why haven't you eaten your dinner again?" Isia was truly angry, angry like never before. "

Because it was cold and no one had warmed it up for me .

" "You came home late again and didn't even call!"

"I don't have to explain myself to anyone, and I ate dinner downtown, I don't need what you're doing." Adam bit relentlessly.

"Hallowed be your name, your kingdom come..."

Isia felt like something was about to burst inside her. She walked up to Adam, pulled the bottle from his hand, and began pouring its contents onto him...

"Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven... "

At first, Adam sat transfixed, unable to believe what was happening...

"Give us our daily bread..."

Finally, he stood up and, without a word, slapped Isia on the cheek, not hard, but enough to make her stagger back.

"And forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

" "I hate you." Isia regained her composure. "Tomorrow I'm leaving this house."

Jaśminka lay down, turned off the night lamp, and stared at the moon outside the window. Her heart was beating steadily, but inside she was trembling. She was little, but she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep again for long. She watched the moon move across the sky. She didn't know how long she lay there, but when the sounds in the house finally faded, the moon had already receded far enough that only its light entered the room, but he himself was long gone.

Jaśminka lay there for a while longer. She felt herself falling asleep. After a moment, she woke up to fall asleep again. She never told anyone what happened next. She wasn't sure if it had really happened or if she'd just dreamed it. Had she done it? Was it her fault? It's true that she now fell asleep peacefully and woke up rested, but these questions kept recurring. And although now that Karolina was taking care of her and the entire house, while Jaśminka slept peacefully, these two questions would return more and more often over time. They would once again take away the sweet sleep she now relished every night. But now she could enjoy her peaceful childhood.

Jaśminka got out of bed and went to the living room. Her father was asleep on the couch, fully clothed, covered only with a blanket. Jaśminka approached him and stood for a moment, studying his face. Finally, she leaned over and kissed his forehead.

"I free you from hatred," she whispered in his ear and left.

Her mother was sleeping in the bedroom. She was visibly restless. The duvet was bunched around her legs, and beads of sweat were forming on her forehead. Jaśminka felt sadness wash over her. She went over to her, took her hand in her small hands, and kissed the tips of her cold fingers.

"Don't be angry anymore, Mom..."

***

In the morning, Jaśminka called the ambulance. Just as her mother had repeatedly taught her if something bad were happening to Mom or Dad.

"Mom and Dad aren't moving... I'll check right away... yes, they're breathing because I can see her breasts rising... okay... goodbye."

Adam and Isia spent many days in the hospital. Adam was completely paralyzed. Doctors promised to do everything they could, but a year passed, and Adam was bedridden. Isia was a little better. She could move her head and hands. However, this didn't change the fact that she spent most of her life in bed. Sometimes Karolina put her in a wheelchair and took her for walks, but that was all she could do. Thanks to Isia's slightly better condition (she was communicating and could participate in social life with the help of others), their child wasn't taken away from her. There just needed to be someone to help around the house...

***

Karolina put the glass in the sink and went to check the bedroom. Isia was lying on her back, her eyes closed. Karolina turned out the light.

"Thank you," Isia said.