The two of them and me"

The two of them and me. Always the two of them and me alone, like a third wheel.

I hate it! I love each of them individually, but I hate them together. I hate it!!

I love talking to him, I love looking into his eyes. I love his smile, his crinkles around his eyes, his expression when I act like an idiot, I love all of him, always, always, when we're alone.

She's my best, closest friend. She helped me when I was at my lowest. She grabbed me by the ears and pulled me out. She simply grabbed me and pulled me out. We have a great time, laugh, joke. We tell each other everything. Or at least, she tells me everything, or so I think. I prefer to keep some things quiet. It's probably better that way. When she talks about kissing him, his caresses and touches, my heart breaks. It breaks right through.

But one thing, one thought keeps me going. The knowledge that tonight I'll meet him and I'll be the one being touched. I'll be kissed. By him. I love these moments together. When we're alone, just us, unaware of her existence. When he undresses me, I tremble, when he kisses, I tremble... when we make love, I tremble. I tremble with uncertainty, wondering if I'll ever tremble like that again around him. Uncertainty.

I know I'm doing wrong, I've known from the very beginning. I've wanted to tell her more than once... to confess the truth... but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't choose. Her or him. So, why choose when I can have them together, but apart?

I don't know how long it lasts... a year... two... or maybe five... time has no meaning with them. It passes, but doesn't pass. The hands move, but stand still. He kisses... but doesn't love, she knows... but doesn't say anything. I always wondered why he's with her if he wants to be with me, why he wants to be with me if he's with her. Why doesn't she say anything, but I know why she knows but doesn't say anything. I didn't ask, I didn't want to risk it.

It was my birthday. They threw me a surprise party at the club. It was wonderful. Everything revolved around me, around me—just the way I like it. Even they made sure I was the most important person that day. Yes! But also on that day, January 21, 2005, at 10:05 PM, my world crumbled. My perfect world came crashing down on me. At 10:05 PM on January 21, they stood up for a toast and, after wishing me a happy birthday, announced to everyone, looking me straight in the eye, that they were getting married and expecting a child.

Those words were the last I heard from them. I never saw them again. I packed my things and left far... far... as far away as possible...

There, then, in the club, after those words, the world ceased to exist for me. Forever.