I jumped to my feet, feeling my heart pounding wildly. Marcin smiled uncertainly and closed the door to the room.
"Uh... hi," I groaned, blushing.
"Surprised?" The boy took a few steps toward me.
"There's no denying it... very much so." I nodded, trying to act normal. "How did you know where I lived?"
"You told me yourself," he replied, and I looked surprised. "At a party. At my place." Only after a moment did I realize he was right. Oh yeah... how could I forget.
"Yes, of course... Sit down, make yourself comfortable...
" "I thought maybe we could go out somewhere?" He looked at me expectantly. I rarely felt this awkward. Very rarely... "I mean... If you don't have any plans. I came over unannounced... Actually, it was only for a moment, because I was visiting a friend, he lives next door, and somehow...
" "But you don't have to explain yourself... I was bored anyway." I nervously rubbed my hands together and frantically thought about how to react. We can't go out together… if someone saw us… Kamil's friend or…
"So what do you suggest?
" "Let's stay at my place," I smiled uncertainly, and Marcin took the empty spot on the bed. "Maybe I'll bring something to drink…" I suggested, and without waiting for his reaction, I left the room, closing the door behind me. As soon as I reached the hallway, I grabbed the nearest dresser and took a few deep breaths. I felt like my blood was rushing through my head, forcing my brain and every nerve cell to burst. He surprised me. He caught me completely off
guard. His visit was the last thing I could have expected. When I entered the kitchen, my mother gave me a searching look. I opened the fridge and pulled out some juice. Any juice I could find. Orange. "If you want, there are cookies in the cupboard," my mother announced, sizing me up. She was sitting at the table, making dumplings.
"I know," I said curtly, placing two glasses on the counter. Silence fell, and I tried my best not to let our eyes meet. As it turned out, the question I'd been dreading finally came without me even thinking about it.
"Who is this guy?
" "My friend." I put the juice back in the fridge and grabbed full glasses to return to my room.
"I thought you were with Kamil.
" "Because I am. Marcin is just a friend," I repeated sarcastically, and without even glancing at my mother, I left the kitchen.
*
Until evening. He stayed with me until evening. He only dropped in briefly, but stayed for a good few hours. And I won't lie, because the visit was a great success. While a second with Kamil seemed to drag on forever, a minute with Marcin flew by unexpectedly quickly.
I couldn't sleep. I went to bed well after midnight anyway, and I couldn't fall asleep out of spite. And it wasn't the first time. I'd been sleeping very little lately. I'd slept little, but I'd been thinking a lot. And not about pleasant things, but quite the opposite—I was tormenting myself with questions I desperately wanted to answer. What do I feel for Kamil? What do I feel for Marcin? What should I do with one? What with the other? What's next...?
I slowly got up and slipped my bare feet into my purple, furry slippers. I quietly made my way to the kitchen, which was completely dark. Only a little light from the streetlight filtered through the closed blinds. I turned on the dim microwave lamp and took a carton of milk from the fridge. Apparently, it's the best sleep aid. I heated some up and, pouring a teaspoon of cocoa into a mug, poured the hot, white liquid over it.
"Why aren't you sleeping?" "
I can't sleep," I announced truthfully, taking a seat at the table and placing a mug on it. "I made some milk, apparently it helps..." Mom walked in slowly and sat opposite, stifling a yawn. "And you? Why did you get up?
" "I heard you weren't sleeping and wanted to see what happened.
" "So, as you can see, nothing. Go back to bed." I smiled faintly, trying to keep up appearances. Just a regular sleepless night. Nothing more.
"Majka... but I think something's wrong." She fixed me with that searching gaze that never misses anything. "And I think a little conversation would do us good..."
I lifted the warm mug of milk to slowly sink into the delicious taste of cocoa. We looked at each other expectantly. Me, indifferent but interested, Mom, searching but with a distinct calm.
"So what do you want to talk about?" I asked after a moment, unable to bear the tension. I suspected the purpose of this "chat," although I tried to conceal it until the very end. I wanted to gain time. When building a lie, one crooked block can destroy the entire pyramid of events. And yet I couldn't tell her everything. I also couldn't let her guess that she didn't know everything.
"About what's been going on with you lately. You don't go anywhere. You don't meet girls. You give Kamila a wide berth too." My mother propped herself up on her elbows and looked at me suspiciously. As if my reaction was the answer to all the questions that were nagging her. "A boy visited you today...
" "Marcin.
" "Maybe Marcin.
" "Definitely Marcin," I stopped. And my mother stopped talking. I had clearly disrupted her well-arranged pronunciation and instruction chart. I fell silent and, sensing the worsening atmosphere, I tried to escape again, grabbing a cup of milk.
"And you haven't slept for the last night in a row." I glanced at her with surprise.
- How do you know...?
- Because, as you may have noticed, we share the same apartment...
"But... I haven't left my room at night yet.
" "... and I'm your mother. These dark circles under my eyes and yawning during dinner aren't exactly signs of a good night's sleep, are they?" I stared at the table and remained silent. How well she knows me... "Majka... child, do you have any problems?" She looked at me with concern and tenderness. I smiled at the sight. Poor Mom, she's going out of her mind, and I just don't know whether to break up with Kamil.
"No, I don't have any problems. I mean... nothing that would get me killed or lose all my friends... I'm not pregnant either," I added with a slight chuckle. But my mother wasn't in the mood for laughter. Although she had clearly calmed down, her expression remained serious.
"So you do have some problems?
" "Well, I do... but nothing, really.
" "If it were nothing, you'd sleep at night and not stay home all day." We used to talk... you told me everything, and now...
"And now I'm a little older and there are things I'd like to keep to myself. I'm glad you're interested in me, but... you can't help me. Not in this situation." I shrugged helplessly and dipped my lips into the delicious chocolate milk again.
"It's about Kamil, right?
" "Mom..." I took a deep breath and stood up. "It's nothing, really. Don't worry.
" "I don't like what's been happening with you lately. Sit down. Does Kamil... I don't know. Does he expect more from you than you can give him?" My mother gave me a serious look. Now I burst out laughing.
"What? Kamil?" I asked, barely containing my laughter. "Are you crazy?" I drank the rest of the milk and put the cup in the sink.
"So I won't find out what's bothering you so much?" Mom continued to watch me unblinkingly. I shook my head slightly. "Uh... oh well." Can I at least give you some sleeping syrup?
- I drank the milk. It should help.
- I hope...
- Goodnight. - I was about to leave the kitchen when I felt a grip on my shoulder.
- Remember, you can always come to me. Anytime you have a problem. - I smiled at these words and hugged my mother. Just like in the good old days, when I was still her good, well-behaved daughter...
*
My right leg nervously moved to my left. My hands folded as if in a prayer, and my head turned left and right eagerly, watching for that now-familiar silhouette. A strong gust of wind enveloped my shoes in a pile of leaves. With a quick movement, I shrugged them off again, assuming a cross-legged pose. Feeling the unpleasant chill, I buttoned my coat up to the neck. Autumn. That sad, gray autumn again. The worst possible season. Just rain and wind. Rain and wind. A vicious cycle. Suddenly, two warm hands blocked my view. I laughed softly and instinctively touched them.
"Kamil, finally, how long can we wait and..." I turned to the joker and stopped. It certainly wasn't Kamil. My mind felt empty, and my throat dry.
"Hmm... a date?" Marcin smiled flirtatiously, albeit ironically. "Kamil...? I don't know anyone like that." He sat down next to me and gave me a playful look.
"I didn't know it was you..." I whispered, completely clueless. I had no idea how to react, so I remained silent. Marcin, unfortunately, too...
"So, when will you invite me again? You promised to make apple pie...
" "Yeah, but only because you said I couldn't bake it, but I can!" I insisted jokingly.
"So I hope I'll try your pastries."
"Maybe... someday," I whispered with a smile he didn't see. "Where are you going now?"
"To my mom, to work...
" "The cinema," I said involuntarily, feeling my face heat up. Marcin's mom works at the cinema. At the cinema I was just about to go to with Kamil...
" "Excuse me?" The boy shot me a surprised look.
"No, nothing...
" "Where are you going?
" "I..." I took a deep breath. "I'm waiting for my brother. I don't have the house keys, and he's at a friend's, and we agreed he'd come over and we'd go back together. I was at a friend's myself," I lied, one sentence coming out faster than the next.
"So, maybe I'll come over for apple pie later?"
"Today...? No... I have to study.
" "It's Saturday." Marcin looked at me questioningly. As if that weren't enough, Kamil stopped right next to us and gave us a hurt look. I jumped up as if scalded and stood right next to him. He didn't even notice me, just watched Marcin with a nervous glint in his eye. Completely disoriented, I tried to think clearly, and the only sensible idea I could come up with was to isolate the two men before one accidentally found out anything from the other.
"We'll be going now," I said to Marcin. The boy nodded with slight resignation.
"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?" Kamil asked with obvious irony. I knew he'd been paying special attention to my "friends" lately, but I sincerely hoped he'd drop it.
"This is Kamil," I pointed to my boyfriend. "And this is Marcin." The two most important men in my life shook hands and nodded. "Can we go now?" My voice was pure pleading. My heart was pounding. I stuffed my hands into my pockets, as if from the cold, and took a step back.
"Sure," Kamil nodded, not taking his eyes off Marcin.
"Bye then," I whispered to him, to which he responded. Immense relief flooded my body as we set off toward the bus stop.
"We can't go to the cinema," I announced immediately, as soon as we were a safe distance from the bench where we'd left Marcin.
"Why?
" "Because I don't have any money," I lied dryly.
"I'll pay for you.
" "No," I denied firmly. "You've already paid for me too many times... and besides, I don't feel like going to the cinema." I grimaced whimsically.
"So what are we going to do? It's a bit too cold for a walk...
" "Let's go to my place... or yours.
" "You know I'm having renovations. And besides, maybe we should spend this Saturday something special... You don't have time for me at all, so if you've found even a moment, I want it to be unforgettable." Kamil smiled mysteriously and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Honey, I have a surprise for you." Don't ask any questions, just get in… - my "beloved" gestured towards the open bus door. Without asking for any further explanation, I took a vacant seat in 'number fifteen'…
*
The large, tattered booth didn't seem trustworthy. I hesitantly stepped through the entrance and found myself in a cool, dark corridor. Feeling a wave of shivers run through my body, I followed Kamil.
"Does anyone even live here?" I asked, gripping the boy's hand tighter.
"Yeah… There are a few families upstairs, but no one on the ground floor," he replied, turning into a narrow corridor with a long, red carpet. "It's a shelter for the homeless."
"So what are we doing here?" I grew nervous, quickening my pace.
"You'll find out soon…" Kamil stopped suddenly and started searching for something in his pants pocket. After a moment, he pulled out a key and inserted it into the keyhole of the large, wooden door. A few seconds later, I found myself in an empty room, with only an old, tattered sofa; It didn't seem particularly run-down or shabby. "The city wants to evict the homeless from this building and relocate them elsewhere. Dad says there are wonderful apartments here... Large, former German buildings, and it's a shame to waste them like this." The boy walked over to the dirty window and ran his finger across it, making a line through the layer of dust that had settled on the glass. Kamil's father was an important figure in the city hall of this considerable city, so his son always had the latest information about any changes being made.
"I still don't understand why you brought me here..." I whispered, not even trying to delve deeper into the apartment.
"My parents bought this place. They'll renovate it, and once the rest of the apartments are occupied, they'll rent them out and make a tidy profit.
" "Well... It's a good idea. But did we have to come here so you could tell me that?"
"Easy… Let's get to the point. I had a surprise. And here it is," the boy waved his hand. "It's your birthday next week. We can throw it here. You can invite whoever you want. You'll have your dream party. Let there be alcohol. Let there be guests, even those I have a bad opinion of. I'm giving you free rein," Kamil smiled, waiting for my reaction. But I wasn't happy at all. Another sacrifice, another agreement, another proof of love… He did everything to make me happy. And I wanted more and more for someone else to make me happy… "You don't like that idea?" The smile on the boy's face was becoming more and more depressing by the second.
"That's not the point… You surprised me…
" "I know. I'm still not into 'wild parties,' but since you like them, I thought we could throw you a 'wild birthday'." I couldn't get a word out. I had absolutely no idea what to do. I stared blankly at Kamil and felt tears slowly welling up in my eyes. So good… So loving… And me…? I'd rather be far away from him. Far from that kindness and love.
"Maja…" A hesitant smile appeared on his face. He took a few steps toward me and gently wrapped his arms around my waist. He looked deeply into my eyes and stroked my cheek. "What's the matter?" he asked quietly, observing with tenderness. I bit my lip and, for the first time in my life, felt as if an invisible thread were tightening my throat. "Do you have other plans? Ideas…? Tell me, I won't be angry…
" "No… I don't…" I whispered, then lowered my head and closed my eyes, holding back my tears. It all made no sense… The more he tried to get closer to me, the more I wanted to distance myself from him. I couldn't explain this feeling. We'd been together for over a year, everything was going great, and suddenly, out of nowhere, something inside me snapped. Something escaped from my heart… Some part of me that loved and adored Him simply vanished.
"Honey," Kamil touched my chin and lifted it, forcing our eyes to meet. "Tell me what's going on…"
"I don't know… I really don't know… I'm sorry…" Before he could say anything, I tore myself from his embrace and quickly ran out of the apartment. Tears spilled out one by one, and I traversed the red-carpeted hallway at an incredible pace. I found myself outside, and seeing only the blurred features of every figure, I moved forward… Rushing to an unknown place… As long as it was empty… As long as it was without Him…
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