The missing piece

Sometimes she has those days when she sobs quietly into her pillow, thinking about her life. Thinking about the one thing she's irrevocably lost... Then she envies others, because they don't know what it means to live with the knowledge that they'll never enter a home where Mom and Dad will be together. Where they eat dinner together and go to church on Sundays. They have no idea what emptiness feels like in the heart, when helplessness is so debilitating.

She was four years old when they divorced. She doesn't remember much from that time. They never even went on vacation together. She and her parents. She and her family. She never had a normal family. She didn't know what it was like to "bid" for a Saturday party, because Mom allowed anything. And Dad lived on the other side of town and rarely showed any interest in his "beloved" daughter. Yes, she had everything. She had no shortage of money, friends, and she was a good student. "A normal girl"... Yes, from the outside, she was no different from her friends. Smart, cheerful, much-loved...

Life hadn't given her one thing; on the contrary—when she was still small and unaware—it had brutally taken it away. The "Mom, Dad, Child" pattern was alien and unfamiliar to her. She often wondered what would have happened if her father had been different, if he hadn't betrayed her and had truly loved her. He had shattered the foundation of her life, the foundation of every human life. He had shattered her puzzle and thrown away the most important piece. Now she regrets...? Apparently, yes, but that central piece is gone, and even regret won't bring it back. She knows he suffers. She knows he realizes how much harm he has done to her. To her, her sister, and her mother...

Mom... she never let her down. She loved, understood... Her best friend. She never said a bad word about her father, even though she had been through it all the hardest. So why...? She didn't want to rebel...? As she grew older, she rebelled against herself. She loves him, but also hates him. And her mother, her greatest support, tried to create a normal home for her. Did she succeed...? On the surface, yes. But if you looked deeper, you could see the missing piece. The father she never truly had.

Sometimes there are days when tears fill her green eyes. She squeezes her eyes shut and promises herself that someday, in the future, she will create her own, strong family. She only fears that her lack of experience will make it much more difficult. She fears that she won't be able to live in a true, complete family...