Julia and Me

 

"I don't understand! She's already 16! She should find a fiancé! And yet, she doesn't even go to any parties! Haven't you noticed that Julia has been acting strange for a long time now?" friends asked. The answer was always the same:

"Yes. We've tried talking to her about it many times, but you know how it is. It's impossible. But she should finally understand that she won't grow up normal like everyone else. She should accept that it was we, the girls of Paradis, who were appointed by our lord, our God Hope, as envoys, people who should not only set an example for others, but also live as the happiest, smartest, and most beautiful... that is, beautiful and good people, the likes of which are rare around us." Conversations like these became more and more common. Even without knowing the girl, her parents, her friends, her life, one could guess that she wasn't the happiest in the world, as so many people had planned.

Today I remember this city and these people, and also that… that I, Julia, that her problem was really that no one could understand her, that she couldn't fully explain it to anyone. This was her life, and yet some people didn't see it that way. They didn't appreciate the effort she made. That she truly wanted to cause no trouble for anyone. She wanted to live simply, somewhere in her own corner. Perhaps even live without being noticed.

The small planet of Paradis, like everyone else, had its traditions. Girls were raised to be ladies, and boys to be gentlemen. Our God, or rather Goddess Hope, always cared about our happiness. That we were surrounded by peace, love, and understanding. In this case, we needed that last one most – understanding. Julia needed it, but not everyone was able to show it to her. Not even the majority, but a minority. She had many friends, but few of them knew why and what Juli was afraid of…

But only for a while. Because once Julka couldn't take it anymore. I remember it clearly. She was sitting on a swing in the park when Darla – her friend – came up.

"Hey Julia!" Darla exclaimed with joy, but she didn't hear a reply.

"Listen, Julia, I can tell something's wrong! What's wrong with you?! Your parents, and everyone else, are worried about you. They don't know how to talk to you, and most importantly, how to help you!

"What do you all want from me?!" Julia began unexpectedly. "Everyone's picking on me, but they don't really know how to listen. If they tried to understand me even a little, maybe they'd finally leave me alone!"

"Julka! Stop it! Who's picking on you?! We just want to help you! But the problem is, you're the one who won't let us in!

" "Help!? Yes! Sure! You all claim you want to help me. But you know, Darla! I'm so grateful for your help! We'll get through this!"

With those words, Julia jumped off the swing and disappeared from sight. She ran, already out of breath, but finally she couldn't. She reached the colorful clearing where her parents often brought her as a child. But now, in her eyes, it seemed gray and gloomy. She clenched her fists. Tears welled in her green eyes, and then the silver tears streaming down her cheeks disappeared into the abyss. Just a year ago, Julia had felt like the happiest person in the world. She had fallen in love. Her chosen one—or rather, the person who, like her, claimed to be on cloud nine—was gone. Simply. Without a goodbye, without a word of explanation, because she expected nothing more. He simply dumped her. Everyone said it was just infatuation, that it would eventually fade, but only she knew and felt that it was love. Since then, she had changed… She rarely laughed, and when she did, it was only to avoid anyone asking, "What's wrong with you?", "What's happening?", "How can I help you?" And yet, these were the questions she heard most often. And that was the worst part, that no one tried to understand her, to understand what she was going through. Julia had always stood out. She was a dreamer. She often made plans in distant dreams of happiness.

"I'm scared!" she repeated over and over, but she couldn't explain why, and when she did, she cried, and that was the worst thing she could do now. She shouldn't show that she was losing strength, and the truth was, that was exactly what was happening…

She wanted to show everyone how strong she was, but deep down, she knew she wasn't…

Julia didn't talk much about what had happened a year ago, but she always emphasized that she had changed. She never specified whether the change was for the better or for the worse. However, she often spoke of herself as if she were a stranger. She said she was indecisive because that's what she'd heard from friends. She said she was cool because that's what friends said, but in reality, she didn't think so at all. She felt she'd never bring herself to fall in love, to be with someone, to be happy in the true sense of the word. Every time she met someone, liked someone, and felt there would be something more, she'd start repeating and explaining that she was afraid. Now I know what she was afraid of. She felt anxious thinking that something good might happen to her, and deep down, she longed for it with all her heart. Now, the whole story, everything that had happened in her life, flashed before her eyes. She saw the mistakes she'd made, but she didn't see it as a disadvantage. On the contrary, she still believed she was the poor one who had been wronged in this game of life.

One day, however, as if reborn, Julka regained her faith that her so-called bad luck was over. She met a wonderful boy named Olivier. From then on, he occupied her thoughts and prevented her from feeling lonely. She felt like someone special. Initially, she forgot about the past, but as things began to unfold, she became frightened again, feeling afraid and that this kind of life wasn't for her. However, she began to talk about it. One day, when Julia and Olivier gathered for their usual chat and boredom, something happened that Juli hadn't quite expected. Not entirely, because she suspected that sooner or later he would kiss her, but she hadn't thought it would happen so quickly. Unfortunately, now she was the one who had hurt him. She hadn't allowed herself to experience the happiness she had. For the next few weeks, Julia acted like a madwoman. She spoke little. Once again, she felt like a princess lamenting her fate. Valentine's Day was approaching. The day we give gifts to our loved ones. St. Valentine's Day, the so-called Valentine's Day. Julia wasn't exactly thrilled, but oh well. At least she knew that despite what had happened recently, Olivier probably wouldn't forget her. Deep down, she hoped for it, because she had a real surprise planned for him. Unfortunately, life can play tricks on us. It can be like a sine wave, sometimes a peak, sometimes a trough. This time, it was a real trough. Julia stayed home all day, drawing. She hadn't been feeling well for a few days. You know, women's issues. Her mood wasn't exactly the best either. Plus, to top it all off, there was such a thing as text messaging, in the form of telepathy. So she sent Olivier a regular, everyday text message, telling him what she was doing and wanting to know what her friend was up to. They communicated like this, talking about this, then that, word for word, until the conversation began to resemble an argument. It was as if they were reproaching each other for their mistakes. Olivier reminded her how indecisive she was, how she treated some people like mere toys, how she continued this aimless game, simply toying with him. She knew he was right, but she didn't give up. As usual, she started to twist the subject, saying she was the one who was wronged in all this, that it wasn't her fault, that no one understood her. Things were starting to heat up, until finally, it happened. Julka blurted out what she most hated. She said she hated him. Nothing more. The conversation ended for her. Olivier gave her a few more words, and she regretted them after only a few minutes. But her pride wouldn't let her undo it. She once heard the wise words, "from love to hate is only one step...", and then she remembered the approaching Valentine's Day. The surprise she had prepared. She had ruined it. Now she had nothing to do with him. The surprise was gone. She also didn't expect that she would talk to Olivier and that he would give her a card.She burst into tears. She saw her drawing, its shapes and colors still vivid for a moment. Tears streamed down onto the work, whose colors were now pale with silver tears. The shapes were indistinguishable. She didn't feel like going to sleep yet. She wondered why this was so. Why she couldn't be kind, control her emotions, and most importantly… fall in love. But she knew that love couldn't be forced… and that it couldn't be resisted.

Valentine's Day was just around the corner. Like every few days, Julia was meeting with a group of friends, including Olivier. This day was shaping up to be a nightmare. She didn't want to go, but she decided she couldn't give him the satisfaction of giving in, of winning. No! She wasn't going to apologize to him either. For what? For telling the truth?! She went. Some of them even sensed something was wrong, but she wasn't about to wallow in self-pity again. She sat and engaged in serious conversation. Olivier came over. He said hello, and she? What else could she do but reply, something she'd sworn she couldn't. They hadn't really spoken throughout the meeting. Well, except for Olivier's stupid question:

"Would you like coffee or tea?" She replied no, and he disappeared.

The day was drawing to a close. Olivier had to leave early, so it was almost certain they wouldn't exchange a single word. Before leaving, however, he handed her a white envelope. Stunned, she couldn't get a word out. Finally, she thanked him, but she wasn't sure if he'd heard. She was angry, surprised, and at the same time, she felt her heart begin to pound harder. She returned home late that evening. She turned the envelope over in her hands several times. She saw the words "Julia" written on it, along with the instructions: "Do not open before midnight." She could barely contain her curiosity. She was tired. She couldn't wait to find out what was inside. Then she remembered that she had ruined her surprise. There was no way to restore it. No one would ever know what she had prepared for this occasion. It was almost midnight. At just 10 minutes past 12, Julka tore open the envelope. What she saw, and what she heard, was wonderful. "But isn't he kidding her?" Hopeless thoughts began to creep into her mind. "He's been around a lot of stupid asses before! So was she supposed to be next?" What he saw in her—that question haunted her for a long time, but it remained unanswered. She didn't ask directly, because she couldn't, and at the same time, didn't want to, create a situation where her feelings would be easily deciphered. That night, she couldn't sleep for a long time, repeatedly looking at what she'd received: the contents of that tempting white envelope. She used the unfortunate text messages again to send Olivier a big THANK YOU, though she wasn't entirely convinced that thanking him for something like that was enough. Finally, she fell asleep. She remembers the next few days clearly; she couldn't wait to see Olivier. She thought about it for so long that she concluded she didn't know what she would say to him, and that... her fear of happiness hadn't subsided. She also hadn't forgotten how, for a moment, she wanted to hate him. After all, in a way, he had hurt her, and she had hurt him too. When they argued, she took it very much to heart. What she'd heard about herself.

I knew Julia until that day. You'd think I was her, but no. I'm not what she felt, what she did, or what she said. Since then, I haven't heard anything about Olivier, Darla, or Julia's parents. They seemed to have disappeared. To the other side of the planet. I don't even know if I'd dreamed of them. I don't know... But Juli remained, her feelings, and the white envelope with its contents. For a moment, I felt like sharing what she found with someone, but I didn't. Yes, she was a flirt. She'd admitted it more than once. After all, she'd heard people talk about her that way so many times. And now she wondered if this wasn't just another game she was playing... Right after Valentine's Day, Olivier said he'd been planning to give her that something for a long time... but for a moment he wanted to give up; he no longer cared. Julia felt a strange pang in her heart and thanked God that he hadn't backed down and had shown her what she longed for—understanding. Olivier trusted her, and she couldn't waste it..., so... I might be able to remember what happened next, but... it will remain my sweet secret...

But what next...?

- Well, exactly...

You often hear the question, what about Julia? And Julia...? I know Julia is somewhere on Paradis, that she will be, ...or maybe she already is happy...