.It was raining

Will you love me forever? When does forever end? Does it ever end? Can you guarantee forever? I love you here and now, and this here and now is meant to last forever.

I got into the bathtub and turned on the tap. The water began to overflow, drowning out my sobs. But it wasn't sobbing anymore. It was a panicked attempt to vent all the pain and suffering I felt. I lay there for a very long time until the water turned cold, or maybe it had only been a few minutes, and she had already been cold from the start? It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered… I might as well have died then.

I first saw her at the bus stop on a rainy morning. She didn't really stand out from the other girls standing there. She was alone, lost in thought. I have no idea why I noticed her. She was so ordinary, so average. And yet she seemed incredibly beautiful, with her wet hair flowing down her face. The bus arrived. She got on the bus oblivious, not even noticing that I'd been watching her for some time. I was sure it was the last time I'd seen her. I quickly forgot, overwhelmed by the problems of that gray morning. A few days later, I went to the theater with a group of friends. I was so surprised when she showed up too. We were introduced, and at the performance, we happened to sit right next to each other. Even then, something drew me to her… just like at that bus stop in the rain… rain would always remind me of her.

I couldn't stand this uncertainty anymore. I paced nervously around the room, holding my phone. I kept dialing the same number I'd long since memorized. Finally, a familiar voice spoke. In one breath, I screamed everything into the receiver: my regrets and my doubts. I honestly have no idea why I was deluding myself. I so desperately wanted him to just answer: "I love you, Misia, everything will be alright." But it wasn't. The words I heard shattered my entire life.

We started dating. At first, it was quite innocent and childish. But even then, I knew it was only a matter of time before we became a couple. It wasn't that I loved her; in fact, I never truly loved her. But despite that, there was something about her that made me feel good in her presence. I finally knew that someone needed me. It was a very pleasant feeling.

It was breaking down… I felt it more and more with each passing day. We saw each other less and less… he had no time for me more and more often. Before, he'd said goodnight to me every night. Maybe it was silly, but it was very important to me. Now he wouldn't even reply to my texts; we argued very often. But in these arguments, I always spoke; he just shrugged his shoulders and remained silent. It hurt even more than if he had yelled at me.

We only felt good when we were together. Back then, everything seemed beautiful. Just like before. Then she saw how much I loved him...too late.

At first, things were wonderful. Each day seemed more beautiful than the last. Sometimes it seemed to me that she was everything to me. But over time, people start to get to know each other. And those good sides also reveal their flaws. I've learned that when feelings aren't strong enough, you only see flaws. When we were close, it was good. We hugged as usual...without worrying about anything. But when I was alone, I thought about her less and less. In the end, so many things seemed more important. With so many people, it was so much more interesting to be together. She noticed it...it was hard not to notice, anyway. But I couldn't help it...that infatuation, that fleeting fascination I had for her, simply died.

I still felt attached to her. She was important to me, and I didn't want to hurt her, which is why things dragged on for so long. Now I know it was a mistake.

We had a wonderful time together. I felt safe with him. We walked to the park, holding hands. Everything was incredibly romantic. I remember one night we spent together, cuddled by a lake on a pier. It was a full moon. Everything seemed so perfect then… like a dream. And I wanted that dream to last forever.

She called me that evening. I didn't want to hear her. I knew exactly how this conversation would end. I didn't want this. After a few rings, I answered the phone. Before I could say anything, a barrage of accusations and accusations was thrown at me. She cried, saying she loved me, begging me not to leave her. But I had no strength left. I only whispered quietly, "Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better this way… I guess there's no point in continuing this." I felt awful. I started justifying myself to myself that it was the best solution, that I did it for her own good. Then we met again. She still had hope, but I had already made the final decision. That was the end…

The first time I saw him was at the bus stop. He looked at me, sure I couldn't see it, it was raining...

...That was the last time I saw her