Fantasy lands

I woke up.

I heard a voice from the attic. It was a sound I'd never heard before. I went upstairs and saw the sounds were coming from an old wardrobe that had been there almost forever. Suspiciously and cautiously, I peered through the half-closed door. Nothing. I opened it and saw the inside of a normal wardrobe. Well, except for those strange patterns that looked like embroidery on old underwear. But there was no doubt the voice was coming from there. The voice—I recognized it as speech, which became clearer as I reached the wardrobe—squawked and squeaked something about beer, food, and various other elements of a good time. Wanting to finally figure out what it was, I went into the wardrobe. Suddenly the door slammed shut, and I felt something like nausea, or at least the feeling you get after eating a ton of sugar and two hundred kilograms of salted herring.

I don't know how long it lasted, but when my back hit the hard stone, I was wearing a purple suit with stars and a pointed hat with various other fragments of the sky, covered in inscriptions similar to those in the wardrobe. There was no wardrobe. I found myself on a table, among platters and dishes, bathed in the stench of meat, sweat, beer, and sauces. Strange, small creatures sat around the table. Besides, I immediately learned who I was dealing with.

"A wizard! Kill him, fellow goblins!"

A flock of greenish monsters, whose language I shouldn't understand, pounced on me. Still, what puzzled me most was how the wardrobe had come to be in my house. Fortunately, before one of the goblins' rotten fingers touched me, the surroundings blurred, and suddenly I slammed my back into the floor. This was starting to annoy me.

"Hello," said a strange old man in the English medieval garb of a nobleman. "Do they wear such clothes in your area? Who are you?" "

I'm Michał Plummer," I replied, not quite sure why we were speaking so strangely. "I don't know where this outfit came from."

"Ah, so it's as I suspected, you inherited the outfit from the previous owner of the hidden portal.

" "I don't understand. The wardrobe wasn't hidden in my attic at all."

"The portal was hidden in the wardrobe? Oh, how trivial! I'll bring it here right away..." As he spoke, he made a complicated gesture with his hands, occasionally touching my head. Suddenly, the wardrobe appeared right next to it, nearly slamming its door on the cat's tail in the dusty wizard's workshop (with all the accoutrements, from a telescope in the window, through various bottles and containers, to the head of some creature floating in spirit).

"From what I've read in your thoughts, it seems the wardrobe belonged to the wizard Sordid, who isn't very well-known, even in this world."

"World?" I asked, growing increasingly bewildered. "You can't tell me I was transported somewhere far from Warsaw!"

"I don't know what place you're talking about, but if you want to get home, you'd better hurry, because you don't have much time left. The dimeritium needed to maintain the portal is running low and won't last for the return trip. By the way, my name is Merlin and I'm almost four hundred years old, so show me some respect.

" "Merlin?!" I yelled. "The one from King Arthur?" I added when I'd calmed down a bit.

"Indeed. But you shouldn't shout like that. Not many people know I'm this Merlin.

" "Good. How do I get this... dimeritium?"

"Dwemeritium is a very rare metal, but I know where there's plenty. The inner walls of the royal castle are covered with it to protect the king from magic; a single tile is enough.

" "Will I harm the king?" I shuddered, thinking of the hordes of the king's bodyguard chasing me, fearing every spark, thinking it's sorcery.

"Not at all. A large cube in the center of the castle would have been enough, really."

"Thanks. Can I count on any more help? These clothes look ridiculous, and I don't have any money."

"Leave the clothes on, they might protect you if necessary. The hat is an artifact, like a bottomless pit, so check if there's anything useful inside."

I took off the ridiculous hat and, with renewed hope, searched inside for something. However, only after uttering a ridiculous spell did a few coins fall out. The local currency was dragons, but I only had forty septims, the equivalent of four sets at Mc'Bagienny (the local bar). I thanked the kind wizard and, apprehensive, went out into the street. What I saw wasn't so bad. An ordinary medieval town, familiar from books. Only without the stinking gutters and filthy beggars. In the distance, I could already see the golden logo of the bar Merlin had mentioned. A large, upside-down "B" that seemed to indicate good food and a place where one could learn something.

Once inside, it turned out to be quite large and packed to the brim with humans, dwarves, halflings, and a few other intelligent races—the only thing missing were elves, but they wouldn't stoop to such food. I walked up to the bar and spoke to a portly staff member.

"Excuse me, do you know anything about dwemerite?

" "This is a bar, not an information desk," the bartender replied with a forced smile.

"Then I'd like the house special." (resignation) The bartender sighed and yelled toward the kitchen, "

Ivan! Swamp set once! 10 septims," ​​the bartender added, a little more quietly. I realized with horror that this would take up a quarter of my funds. However, before I could protest, the set was already in my hands and I found myself in front of the diner, 10 septims poorer.

In the kit, I found a slime burger, a portion of green fries, and a slush shake. I threw the fries in the trash, but remembering that shakes are excellent lubricants, I kept the wooden cup with something resembling gel. The burger might also be useful for something (besides eating).

I continued on. After a short time, I found myself on the outskirts of town. I reached a lake. I was about to drink the crystal-clear water, but suddenly the water took on a greenish hue, and something visibly gurgled in the middle of the lake. A woman in a flowing robe (what else can you call a semi-transparent tunic?) emerged from the foam, swam, or rather flew, toward me, and called out,

"Where are you from, virtuous... Wizard?

" "From afar," I replied, stunned. "Are you the Lady of the Lake? If so, could I have a sword?" I'm defenseless..." I suddenly felt ashamed for having started with requests so quickly. But the creature spoke.

"Yes. I was waiting for you. However, you'll have to settle for this." She handed me a small but heavy sword. "Arthur took this one, my best sword." He didn't even say a word then. Rude! "

Thank you, my lady. Forgive me, however, that I must leave you to go on a journey to the local castle." "I have no idea why I was babbling so much." "See you soon!" I hurried away. Something told me this young lady was talkative, and I didn't have time.

After a long wandering through strange alleyways, I came across the market square. Unfortunately, all the shops were closed, except for the "Souvenir Shop." I decided to ask around. Inside, I found a man trying to fit himself into a chameleon costume. "

Good morning. " "

Hello. Would you like to buy something funny?"

"Not really. Perhaps you could tell me how to get to the castle?"

"Okay," the man agreed. A long and convoluted description ensued, which I won't repeat here, as it helped me get there. "What do you have there? Could I have it? It would be a great ingredient for my stink bomb!" The man pointed to my swamp burger, which I was happy to get rid of. "Thanks! As a reward, you'll get a sample for only 30 septims." I agreed because it would help me get rid of the guards. I thanked him, paid him, and left, heading for the castle.

When I got there, it turned out I was right. The guards wouldn't let me in unless I paid 2 dragons. Since I'd never seen that currency before, I treated them to a stink bomb. I thought they'd faint, but it was better – they ran until the dust was gone. I almost fainted, but I entered the castle. In the courtyard, some young man was shooting peas at me with a straw.

"Stop it! Ow!" Stop it, you $*@&~`#^%&^%$!!!

-I'll call daddy right away, and he'll have your head cut off! - replied the little guy.

"Oh, is your daddy a king?" I had to change my tone. "Perhaps you'd like a nice sword instead of that pea? It's a more suitable weapon for a prince, I think."

"Give it!" the enthusiastic boy shouted. We made a strange exchange, thanks to which the little one stopped noticing me, practicing on a puppet standing in the courtyard. I quickly tore a plate of blue metal from the stone walls and escaped, hiding it in my hat.

After returning to Merlin's, everything went smoothly. We loaded the wardrobe and I flew home, bidding farewell to Merlin and this crazy land. Once I got there, I noticed I was back in my pajamas, and the wardrobe looked much more normal – just like it always had. The worst part was that it was almost seven in the morning, and I had to go to school after all this!!!