After that, I couldn't see anything because I felt faint. Whenever I got scared, or nervous, or panicked, I felt like I was falling into nothingness, into something bottomless. I felt that way again now. I closed my eyes and felt myself falling backward, falling into some abyss. When I looked at Damian, I saw his terrified eyes and his body rising from the chair. Then he somehow fell to the left, or maybe I was falling to the right. I don't know, but I felt his hands holding me from falling to the ground. When I opened my eyes again, I wasn't in the same room as before. I was lying on a soft couch in some room. Damian was sitting next to me.
"Are you better?" he asked. I instinctively grabbed my head because it started to hurt so much I had to close my eyes. I had a terrible hangover. Oh, someone was saying something to me.
"What?" I asked, searching for him. "Yes, it's better, I think."
"Did you faint, was it because of that million?
What million... oh my god, really." I felt faint again. This time, however, I was too curious about this inheritance.
"This inheritance, isn't it some kind of joke of yours? Or maybe Mom wanted revenge?"
Damian looked at me with pity.
"What a joke. You have all the documents here. This isn't a joke, Mina..."
Oh, Mina said to me. He hadn't done this in a long time. Okay, I finally looked at the documents without fainting. Indeed, my father left me a million złoty in his inheritance.
"Where did he get so much money?" I asked, because that was the only thing I could think of at the moment.
"From what his lawyer told me, my father was involved in some shady dealings with some shady characters. Do you know what I mean?
Of course I knew. I watch the news every day; I know what kind of scams people can pull.
" "So, did he get involved and earn that much?"
"I suspect he earned a lot more, but the money disappeared somewhere."
He put the money he'd earned into some savings bonds, the stock market, and made a profit. Hence these enormous sums.
God, even more? I don't know, did he kill someone or what? Besides, I wouldn't be surprised at all. The stock market? Did he know anything about it? I thought to myself, we didn't live like kings after all. True, I always had clothes to wear and food to eat, but never anything too extravagant.
"Did Mom know about that?
" "No, no one knew about it until Mr. Pawlicki came to Mom and told me about the inheritance.
From what I understood, Mr. Pawlicki was a lawyer working for my father. Oh my, how stupid and pointless it all was. Why the hell would my father leave me so much money? To clear his conscience before he dies? I wouldn't dream of forgiving him or even giving him any pleasure, either in life or after.
"But I don't want that money," I blurted out without thinking. I would have repeated it just to see my brother's face again.
"Have you completely lost your mind? Have you lost your mind? You haven't sobered up yet," he said now, sounding completely un-lawyered. For the first time in my life, I had managed to catch my brother off guard. I smiled, which only infuriated Damian further.
"I don't want that money," I repeated, louder so he could hear me clearly. I really didn't. Nothing I owed my father was welcome in my life. Nothing, nothing, nothing…
" "You can't do that. It's too much money to just give up like that," he said, reproachful. "Fucking materialistic!
" "It's my money, and I'll do whatever I want with it," I said, saying exactly what came to mind. Damian shook his head. He probably wanted to strangle me.
"At least take it back and donate it to something, or give it to your mom, because she's really tight on money. I don't know, you could give it to someone else, you don't have to take it for yourself. You can't just say no to it, because no one expected you to be the one receiving the inheritance. It was a complete shock for everyone. And now they'll be mad at you.
Ha! Exactly, why not me? Because what, I accused my father of molestation? Was that some kind of sin? He was the bad guy, and now everyone's outraged that I have millions in my pocket. And who cares if they're mad at me? I'm surprised my father chose me. That probably made me even more angry. It turns out he's better than me again.
" "What? Everyone probably thinks I don't deserve this money?"
Damian said nothing, which I took as a positive answer.
I actually thought I could use this money for a noble cause. What the hell, the money would be useful, but definitely not from my father.
"Okay, I'll take it," I said dispassionately, and my brother's expression changed. He was the same stiff lawyer again. God, there was so much hypocrisy and deceit in my family.
"But..." I didn't let him say anything else. "I won't take a single fucking penny of that money."
Damian grimaced again. He could work as an actor, because the volatility in his face was astonishing.
"What do you mean? You really don't want that money? It'll be useful to you, you'll get back on your feet. You won't have to earn those pittances. You'll be able to live a normal life, you'll finish your studies..." Damian spoke, and I listened and listened. He was right; it was all too good to be true. In every sweet happiness, there's a touch of bitterness. If it hadn't been my father's money, I wouldn't have hesitated for a second.
"I don't want anything from him. I'll give them away so poor children don't have to live like I did.
" "You're starting again..." Damian whispered.
"I'm not starting, I'm just telling you what I'm going to do with them. And I don't care if you like it or not!
" "Fine!" my brother practically shouted. I think I'd upset him. "Take them and do whatever you want with them. Your money, your business.
And just so you know, they're mine," I thought to myself. "They'll be useful, you don't have to worry anymore.
" "So when can I pick them up?" I asked, the thought of seeing a million złoty with my own eyes thrilling me. My brother, however, smiled. It probably wasn't a good sign. Later, it turned out I was right.
"What are you thinking, Mina? That I'll just give you the money?"
Well, that's how I imagined it, but I knew it would take a while.
" "So how long will I have to wait?
" "That's up to you.
" "Meaning?" I didn't quite understand that last part.
"Dad set a condition, and I have to admit, it's a bit..." Damian paused for a smile. "Peculiar, so to speak.
" "What do you mean, peculiar? So what am I supposed to do?" I was starting to get annoyed by my father's stupid game. Not only had I had enough of him during his lifetime, but now I'm fed up with him after his death.
"When I heard that, I thought it was some kind of joke, but the lawyer proved me wrong.
" "What do you mean?
" "The only condition for you to get the money is to go to church."
"What? God, what are you talking about? I really don't understand anything anymore. Tell me finally, clearly and precisely, what I have to do.
" "You have to go to a priest named Rawski. You have to confess to him and then tell him that you forgive your father for whatever he's done to you. This won't count as part of the seal of confession, so the priest will be able to testify that you've forgiven your father."
Then I was simply speechless! There's no way to describe what I was feeling. It's impossible, there's no such word anywhere, no one has ever felt like this before, it was a new experience, it has to be patented!
"This is absurd!" I screamed, unable to bear it any longer. I got up from the couch and looked for an exit.
"Where am I anyway?!
My brother was frightened again.
"You're in my apartment," he said calmly. "Sit down, Irmina.
" "In your apartment. Please, what a luxury you've found. I won't sit there because I plan to leave and never come back. This is all ridiculous. It's a shame you wasted your precious time because of me, little brother." I was at the end of my rope. I wanted to throw something at him.
"Calm down, damn it.
" "What, calm down?!!" I sat up because I felt like falling again.
"Mina, you don't have to decide on anything right away.
" "Shut up," I growled through my teeth. "I've had enough of all this. What else do you expect from me? That I'll go to his grave and cry? That I'll tell him how much I miss him? I'll never forgive him for what he did to me!"
Suddenly, I realized my brother wasn't an idiot and must have guessed that my father wanted me to forgive him for a reason.
"Do you know what I have to forgive him?" I asked him suddenly. The words slipped out of my mind. Damian remained silent, staring at the floor.
"Will you believe me now that I wasn't lying when I said what he did to me back then. And now he expects forgiveness from me? He probably didn't want to burn in hell, even though he deserves it, and now he wants my damn absolution.
" "Mina..." Damian replied. "I don't know why Dad set such a condition. One thing is certain: without him, you won't have the money.
That was a fact." By the way, I was really hoping that something inside my brother would suddenly snap and he'd hug me and say he was sorry. For one brief moment, I really thought so. But it passed quickly. After all, my brother had the same blood as my father. So what could I expect from that lousy DNA of his? Actually, I had the same genes too, but they were weeded out of me the moment my father first touched me.
I grabbed those stupid inheritance papers and got up from the couch. Damian looked at me suspiciously.
"So what are you going to do now?" he asked.
"Nothing." I shrugged. "It's my money, but you won't see it for a long time. I'm not going to go to any priest and tell him I forgive my father. Because I'll never do that! I won't forgive him, that's it!"
Damian, with those expressions, had already outdone himself; he'd have a guaranteed role in Hollywood. He looked at me again like I was crazy.
"It's just stupid, I forgive you," he said with his eyes closed, waving his hand like a seasoned lawyer.
"Maybe for you, but definitely not for me. My father expects too much from me, or… did," I added, since he was already dead. "What hotel do you have that suite in?" I said, looking around the room. I wanted to go home. Too much for one day. I needed to think this over in peace, with some good wine.
"I'll take you home," Damian said, rising from the couch.
"No, I'll get home myself; Warsaw isn't that big after all," I told him.
"Will you want to meet with the rest of the family to personally piss them off and tell them you don't want the inheritance?
" "What do they have to do with this?" I asked, surprised. Were they hoping to get a piece of my frozen fortune?
"Well, you know, after all, it's your family, and they obviously had some hopes that...
" "Right." I didn't let him finish, because I already knew what he'd say. "No, I don't want to see anyone."
That was the truth, anyway. I no longer had any positive relationship with my mom, or anything like that. It wasn't possible to just sit with her over tea and tell her about my life. Besides, I wasn't going to confide in her or anything like that. Not to her. Besides Damian, I had a younger sister and an older brother. Weronika was eight years younger than me, so she was twenty now. What a brat, what would she want from me? She had her own life; from what I heard, she'd already gotten married (too young for my taste), and she's even pregnant, although no belly was visible at the funeral. Well, I didn't have a very good relationship with her. Weronika was angry with me, saying I was the reason my dad was so sad and upset. She was little, and I didn't tell her what was really going on. Mom probably lied to her about me, and that's how she got the idea in her poor head that Daddy was somehow responsible for Irmina. Janusz, my older brother, who was now thirty-six, well, I knew almost nothing about him. He moved out when I was eleven. I only remember he had stupid friends who wanted to screw me. Back then, I only associated them with my daddy because they grabbed my ass when no one was looking. Just like him, ugh... what a horror! Janek was always running some business in the yard, the kids were afraid of him, and once I even remember Mom getting really angry with him because he robbed a neighbor and then set her garage on fire. Yes, yes, that was my little brother. He was the complete opposite of Damian. Scary, evil, mean, and he yelled at me when I told him about my friends. I still don't like him to this day. I don't even know what's happening to him; I didn't see him at the cemetery. He's probably in jail, I wouldn't be surprised.
After all this thought, I decided with conviction that I don't want to see any member of my family, none at all. If my grandparents were alive, I'd probably only want to talk to them. But unfortunately, they're already dead.
"Damian. I really don't want that money. Sure, it would be useful to others, but that condition is impossible for me to fulfill."
He shook his head, and quiet words escaped from under his nose, something like, "I forgive you stupidly." Well, yes, to him it was certainly stupid—I forgive you, but not to me. They taught me in psychology that you should interpret the world through your mind and wisdom, not your faith or your heart, but for me, those teachings were too strange. I'd always believed in God and, in most cases, I'd been guided by my heart (which never led to anything good), so now, when I was faced with the prospect of lying to a priest, God, and myself for a million zlotys, I wasn't so sure of myself. I'd told myself once that I'd forgive my father when I was ready. And for now, that moment of readiness wasn't imminent.
"Well... I'm going," I said after a moment of silence. I held the documents regarding my inheritance in my hand.
"As you wish, Mina," Damian replied resignedly. He probably didn't like losing his cases in court, and this one looked like a disaster for him. "I hope you'll think it over," he persisted. "If anything, I'll be in Poland for another month," he added. He probably believed I'd change my mind in that time. Oh, he was sorely mistaken.
"Okay, if anything…" "What exactly?" "I'll call. Besides, you know where I live," I said, making absolutely no sense. I didn't want him to come visit me at all. "Well, bye," I told him, and left the apartment.
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