Once upon a time, in a castle beyond the seventh mountain and the seventh river, there lived a king. He had a huge palace and a crowd of servants. He sowed terror among the enemies of the state, and the people loved him sincerely. He could have anything at his beck and call. Yet he wasn't happy. And why wasn't he? He was simply born.
One Thursday (but was it really a Thursday? It happened so long ago that even the oldest highlanders don't remember it), the king sat on his golden throne and received audiences. From dawn to dawn, he listened impassively to the peasants fighting over chickens and cows.
"What's more," fussed peasant number 1, "that idiot won't give me back the twelve copper coins he borrowed last year! And he swore he'd pay me back as soon as he had them!
" "But I didn't have any, damn it!" yelled peasant number 2, "do you think I'll pull the money out of my hat? I don't have any!" I pledged the two chickens you killed last Sunday!
"I didn't have anything to eat because I was short of twelve copper coins for the market!
" "Enough!" the king exclaimed, "enough of this! Peasant No. 2, that is... hmm, well, this one, this one... Stanisław! I sentence Stanisław to three days in the stocks for perjury! And you, peasant No. 1, are to stop bothering me with such nonsense as your neighbor's perjury! Next, please!"
A girl with a red riding hood on her head and a wolf on two legs entered the throne room. They bowed.
"Hail, king, fame and glory to you, may the stars watch over you and Providence protect you from all misfortune. Little Red Riding Hood, at your service, and citizen the Bad Wolf of the Forest," the girl recited, using a cheat sheet written on her hand.
"Exactly," the wolf nodded. Things were getting weirder and weirder. A wolf on two legs? A girl named Little Red Riding Hood?
"Well, we dared to interrupt your grace and waste your precious time, because we have a particularly unusual case. The gamekeeper couldn't solve it. It concerns the punishment for this creature," Little Red Riding Hood pointed at the wolf.
"Well, if the gamekeeper couldn't solve it, then I will honor you with my attention and advice," the king interrupted.
"So it was like this. I was walking calmly through the woods, singing tralalalala, waving my basket, creating an idyllic view of childhood innocence and purity. Suddenly, from behind a tree, he appeared. So we have offense number one – assault. With a weapon in his paw.
" "With a weapon?" the wolf asked in surprise
. "Claws. Fangs," Little Red Riding Hood explained.
"But I didn't carry the fangs in my hand. They were safe in my mouth." The animal looked genuinely indignant.
"I sentence Little Red Riding Hood to a fine of twelve gold pieces to the state treasury for giving false testimony. I sentence Wilk, for assault, devouring, vandalizing another's property, and all other offenses, to a fine of twelve silver pieces, based on the laws established and recorded in the Code of Criminal Procedure in the civil law of Far Far Away, to a fine of twelve silver pieces. The audience is over.
" "Your Majesty!" Yevgeny shouted as they passed the signpost leading to the Eastern Dining Room half an hour later. "Your Majesty performed admirably at the audience today! Oh, justice, wisdom, and experience were evident in your every move and every word!
" "Yes, I know. Wait... Where are we?
" "In the eastern wing, Your Majesty. We have only five kilometers left to the dining room. Shall I give you the result in miles, nautical miles, centimeters, micrometers..."
"Thank you. Kilometers will suffice." But... Oh, have the corridors widened so the carriages can fit through the aisles. I'm tired of walking two kilometers to buy slippers.
"As you wish." Well, here we are!
Eugene opened the enormous oak doors leading to the East Dining Room. The East Dining Room was truly East Dining Room. Upholstered in silk painted with various "funny signs," as Prince Moaning Bubble, newly married to Cinderella, used to call them. Dinners were, of course, served in porcelain.
The entire family was already seated at the mile-long rosewood table. Around it were 5,000 chairs, each individually upholstered in velvet and studded with diamonds. The king sat at the head of the table. A cage of carrier pigeons always stood next to his seat, so he could send messages to his wife, sitting a mile away.
"Hello, Dad!" Moaning Bubble yelled. Sleeping Beauty merely yawned delightfully, while the eldest daughter, Snow White, sat scowling. She had been resentful of the king ever since he refused to buy her all of Spain (especially the Spanish). A pigeon flew in with a slip of paper in its beak.
"WHAT TIME DOES IT RETURN FROM AN AUDIENCE?!" was written on the slip of paper in the flourishing handwriting of the Evil Queen Xantippe. The king decided not to reply. He was taking advantage of the fact that Her Majesty Xantippe was a mile away, and not, for example, at the other end of the barely half-kilometer-long bed. So he sat down in a comfortable, velvet-upholstered chair and began to eat the food served on porcelain plates.
He was a traditionalist. He favored simple, regional cuisine, and ate elaborate delicacies only at parties. That day, he ate only truffles with donkey salami, quail eggs with caviar, mackerel rolls, wine soup, unicorn steak with Brazilian potatoes, a Spanish tomato salad, four kinds of cake, and a portion of ice cream. He skipped the remaining eleven dishes because he was on a diet. Besides, there was a party that day to celebrate the neutering of Burek's dog (probably... or maybe it was Mruczek's cat's injection?), so he still had a substantial meal in the evening. There were parties of this kind every day, although after 9 p.m., no one remembered the occasion.
After dinner, while strolling around the castle, Eugeniusz caught him. He had a few questions about the party.
"Sir, the cook is asking if the eggs should be from black or white quail," the rather out-of-breath man announced.
"Ask Snow White, she knows about eggs..." the bored ruler replied, also not very politely.
"And where are we eating? In the North Dining Room?
" "No way! We only use it for truly special occasions! And this will be intimate, only 300 light dishes, 200 guests, a symphony orchestra... Just the usual.
" "As you wish. And the corridors will be widened tomorrow. I'm going to ask Her Majesty about the eggs. Oh, one more thing: Am I to understand that we're eating in the southwest dining room?
" "Yes. In the meantime, leave me alone. I have so many problems in my life... I have to deal with them all. That's why I'm here, at the very end of the castle, a place no one visits... What were you thinking?
" "I dare say Your Majesty is strolling down the corridor near his Thursday bedroom. This leads me to believe the king is wandering aimlessly or waiting to enter the bathroom occupied by Cinderella, even though there's a forest washroom a kilometer away that you can use."
"Shut up! I know best!" the king said indignantly, but after a moment added, "But a kilometer in which direction?"
In the evening, at 8 p.m. sharp, the first guests arrived. They all had gifts for Burek—meat, sausages, dry food—in short, everything a pampered dog could wish for. Half an hour later, however, the hero of the evening faded into oblivion, a chance he eagerly took advantage of by heading to his owners' Tuesday Bedroom.
The party went on as usual. First, an hour and a half of greeting the guests, then some dancing, and a conversation with the ambassador of Far Far Away in Far Far Away. The only attraction for the bored king were the cold appetizers. He loved them. The same went for the punch. He could drink liters of it...
"Henry," his best friend, the King of Far Far Away, turned to him. "You see, my wife and I were thinking... Maybe we could marry Snow White off to my younger son? After all, she's already 13! It's high time! You know, I don't really know what to do with him, since the crown and titles go to the older child, so maybe we could stuff them somewhere in some duchy? They could be waiting for the crown of some country. You know how it is...
" "I don't know," the king replied. "You see, I have so many things on my mind right now... I'll think about it, and if anything happens, I'll send a pigeon."
The interlocutor left with a strange expression on his face. But it was true! The king really did have to solve his own difficult problems! After all, he had to decide whether the washerwoman should use lavender or vanilla water... He also didn't know whether to hold Thursday audiences on a leopard-skin or cashmere throne... Thank God, he didn't have to worry about state affairs; after all, he wasn't the one handling them.
MORAL: The shady middle class (...and the aristocracy has it good!)
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