She sat in an armchair. The house was dimly lit. She could see the outline of the table, covered with oilcloth adorned with her favorite sunflowers. In the center of the table, only a dark spot was visible, which was actually a platter full of apples.
She looked out the window. The garden was brighter than the house. The remnants of snow, melting today due to the above-freezing temperature, gave the illusion of brightness.
Watching the gloomy world through the window, she reflected on her life.
What she had been through and what had happened to her was both sad and amusing.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Ramona, who jumped onto her lap, demanding a "portion" of affection.
Ramona, by the way, was an extraordinary cat. She always sensed when something was wrong. And this time, she was right.
"Come, my love," Natalia said, hugging Ramona close and stroking her back. The cat settled comfortably on the girl's lap and began to purr gratefully.
Natalia wondered why things were working out this way. She'd longed to be a normal girl, wanted to go to discos, meet friends.
Unfortunately, life hadn't turned out the way she'd hoped.
She had no friends. Sure, there were people around her, but only when she was healthy.
Two years earlier, she'd become ill. She'd fallen into depression. No one was there for her, no one even tried to help her.
It ended with months spent locked away in her room. She refused to talk to anyone. She avoided her parents and brother. She took medication. She'd gotten over it.
Just when she thought things would finally work out, it turned out they wouldn't.
Someone she'd loved for a long time turned out to be a bad person. She had to forget him so he couldn't hurt her again. She fought. For herself.
Natalia managed to leave the place where every corner reminded her of his existence. She started school in September, meeting new people, new places. She had a new home. Thrust into the newness of life, she forgot about her failures. She woke up one morning feeling something was wrong with her. A relapse. The trips to doctors, hospitals, and medications began again. She had had enough. She despaired of any meaning in life.
She felt only anger, resentment, and that damned helplessness that killed all the good elements growing inside her.
She had no luck with men. She fell for the wrong ones, and the wrong ones for her. She was hit on by those who had girlfriends, wives, or children. But Natalia was strong in this regard; she knew her worth. She had once been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Natalia, him, and his girlfriend. She knew it was unhealthy and she was able to give up before it was too late to escape. She would never be fooled again.
She built a great wall around herself, enclosing her world within it. No one had access to it. She closed herself off from people and the world, just so that nothing and no one could ever hurt her again. Now she was the one hurting, just to avoid being hurt. She had no other choice.
The house was filled with the familiar scent of vanilla. It always soothed her.
"If the whole world were vanilla, it would surely be a better place," she thought.
She didn't really know who she was. She wanted to be an angel, but she knew she wasn't and never had been.
"So who am I?" she asked.
This question haunted her every day.
After many sleepless nights, she decided she was hopeless, unfit for life, unable to find her place in the world
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