From Sheina's diary... (49)

 

Insomnia... (ninth month, second week, seventh day)

"Frustration. I think that's the right word. Irritation. It fits quite well too. Anger, rage. But more and more resignation. I thought it would be a good idea to learn the basics of self-defense in the best place, in Evehre'ester. That's where the most skilled in fighting the most demanding opponents come from. But I'm not cut out for it. Not even to learn the basics. And the basics are a fit body, quick reflexes, brilliant decision-making. And meanwhile... for the third time this month, I've broken my fingers. The day before yesterday, I got hit again. I don't know why... How lucky I am that my body regenerates so quickly. I can already hold a pen in my hand. Until the next time I have to train with this sadist again. Which is the day after tomorrow at the latest.

I don't want...

The place is beautiful, hidden in the forest. No one unauthorized will ever be able to find it. The quarters are on Trees, high above the ground. It's not very pleasant for those afraid of heights. Besides, no one should have any fears here. And yet... I'm afraid. I'm afraid to fall asleep, afraid of each new day and the night that follows. I'm afraid of the nightmares that haunt my dreams almost daily. I feel them draining my energy, strength, and confidence. This will be the third night I haven't slept through. As soon as I close my eyes, I see images that refuse to disappear when I open them. The most terrifying, the darkest. My subconscious, mixing the past with current fears and doubts, has created a monster. But there's something else in these dreams. A future I saw only once. A terrible future...

How do I know it's not just a figment of my sick imagination?

I know, unfortunately, I know...

It was surprisingly easy for me to stay awake. I just stared at the ceiling, or at the sky outside the window, listening to the rustling of leaves, or other small noises made by the inhabitants. Evehre'ester. That's how it was the first night. The next day passed quite quickly. Nothing happened, except a slight sense of confusion; some events took a while to sink in. I'd often gone without sleep in a single night, so this wasn't anything new for me. But by the end of the day, I was practically knocked off my feet. Exhaustion set in, but not enough to force me to fall asleep. The second night was a battle with myself, with exhaustion and the desire for some sleep. If it weren't for the memory of the nightmares, I might have fallen asleep.

Why must I be haunted by these horrific nightmares? Flames, screams, blood, people being burned alive by unnatural fire. And utter helplessness. I can only stare at the gruesome scenes before me, sometimes unable to turn my head; even after closing my eyes, I still see those terrible flames. The screams haunted me with each night, louder and louder. Insomnia proved to be my only escape. But at what cost? One day, I'll collapse unconscious in the middle of the hall or somewhere else, and these visions will overwhelm me again.

I'm tired. It's hard for me to even think about anything anymore.

Did she have such dreams too? Is that why Naina has gone mad?

I wouldn't be surprised. I already feel like I'm about to go insane. Since yesterday, I've been haunted by a strange phenomenon. In an instant, all the shapes in front of my eyes blur, leaving a shapeless blur of mixed colors. After a moment, thankfully, it passes. Twice I stumbled on a straight path. I almost fell. How strange it is when my legs suddenly give out. But if something like that happens to me during training, I could have broken fingers again. There's no solution. Even if I fall asleep, I'll wake up screaming. That's why I live in this room alone. Previously, like every other Varret, or Fighting Candidate, I shared a room. But my nightmares kept my roommate awake. After only two weeks, I was assigned separate quarters. Since then, I've been battling my nightmares, both night and day. But unlike night terrors, day terrors can't be prevented by lack of sleep. My daytime nightmare is called Kadekatzu, and he's Narriz here—a teacher and master of his weapon. I don't know for what sins fate has brought this man down on my head. Because, strangely enough, he comes from the human race. And he's the only Narriz—human here. The rest are elves. And among the Varret, I'm the only representative of my race. And so, someone got the idea that he, Kadekatz, should be teaching me. If I find out who, I'll strangle him with my own hands! Unless they're broken by then...

A rustle at the door. Night patrol. During this time, no one is allowed to leave their room unless it's an emergency, nighttime training (which happens quite often), or danger.

Writing is tiring and strains my eyes. My body needs sleep to regenerate. I already know it'll be hard for me to stay awake another night.

The clock ticks away the seconds of a sleepless night. Tick, tick, tick... Monotonously, incessantly.

I want to sleep... Let the day save me from my dreams..."