We continued to struggle, laughing, for a good dozen minutes. I provocatively dug my fingers into his ribs, and he responded in kind. Finally, he grabbed my arms and pinned me to the ground. My head was still pounding, and his face swayed slightly from side to side as I tried to focus. Leaning close, he looked dreamily into my eyes. Sensing that something I would regret for the rest of my life might happen, I tried to pull away again, but Marcin took it as a desire to continue the fun, rather than an attempt to stop it.
"I told you, it's not that easy with me," he laughed softly. Thinking frantically, I lowered my gaze and stopped struggling.
"And you know that..." I began, but before I could finish, I felt a warm shiver on my lips, and my hands intertwined with Marcin's. I looked up and saw only the blurry black blur of his face. Gently but hesitantly, he gave me a sweet kiss, then pulled back a little and looked once more with those charming, amber eyes of his.
"I really like you, you know..." he whispered, then moved closer again, and I felt every fiber of my being as his soft lips pressed against mine. He "caressed" them for a moment, freeing his hands and guiding them to my waist. The purple blouse began to slowly climb upwards, guided by Marcin's brilliantly sensitive touch. I didn't know what was happening; my brain couldn't keep up with everything that was happening in such a short time, so how on earth could I even say, "Stop!?" Slowly stroking my stomach, he lowered his head to my neck and began kissing it. I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky. A million stars, a warm night, me and a wonderful boy... A moment later, I saw the black spot again and felt a wet shiver on my lips. "Conscience is always the last to wake up..." My grandfather once told me this. For some reason, at that very moment, before I was completely immersed in Marcin's affection, I remembered that proverb. That proverb and Kamil...
"No," I pushed the boy away with one strong movement. He leaned right above me and began to watch me with surprise.
"No?" he repeated in a questioning tone. I swallowed hard and returned my blouse to its normal form. I was silent for a moment, gathering my thoughts and trying to find the right words. I'd just lied about Kamil being my brother, so how on earth was I supposed to undo it and say nothing could happen between us because I'd been dating this same "brother" for a year?
"What happened?" Marcin fixed his wandering gaze on me.
"Nothing..." I sat up, feeling the tears welling up and the embarrassment growing by the second. "It's just...
" "Yes...?"
- I can't... I can't...
- You can't...?
"Marcin..." I took a deep breath. I haven't been in such a stupid situation in a long time. And what now? Should I keep lying...? "I'm sorry...
" "Are you sorry? But for what?" the boy smiled brightly.
"Right now, I can't afford SUCH a thing..." I groaned, blushing.
"Kissing, or..."
"Nothing. I know you don't understand." But I can't explain it to you... not now... I'm sorry—I was sure the answer would be, "If that's the case, then goodbye." But no. He unexpectedly ran his hand through my hair and said with disappointment, though also a hint of hope,
"Well, then... if that's the case, I'll wait." He forced a sadness that made me laugh.
"You're amazing," I said, seeing the face of the resentful poseur.
"More than one person has told me that..." He grinned and grabbed my hand vigorously. "So, shall we go back to company?
"
I lay in bed, staring blankly out the window, beyond which darkness was slowly falling. I felt a thick layer of tears covering my eyes with each passing second. Despite my desire, I couldn't hold back, and one of them escaped from the "lake" through which I watched the pink rays of the sun cover the sky. Yesterday at this time, I was already on my way to Marcin's... Yesterday at this time, I was wondering if this was really the right idea. Would I be welcomed there, or would everyone think I was a stupid brat who needed to be isolated from everyone else...? Oh, how ridiculous these dilemmas were, how misguided and petty. And yet, just yesterday, I wouldn't have even imagined that today I'd be sobbing quietly, sitting alone in my room, remembering such a wonderful time. With Marcin. His friends... Why did it go by so quickly? Why couldn't the night last forever...? I clenched my fists, feeling a lump in my throat. How could I live now, when I'd already tasted that other world? When I'd met such funny and cheerful people, with whom I'd laughed sincerely for the first time in a long time...? With whom I could talk about everything and nothing, as easily as if we'd known each other forever...? How could I return to normality, to everyday meetings with ordinary friends whose only topics were boys and cosmetics, whose only entertainment was going to the movies, and who, in truth, had never truly been close to me...? "Friends," that's what we called each other. But do friends stay together only out of obligation and habit? Do friends give up spending time together at the first opportunity for a more interesting activity? The most important thing I realized was that we didn't share our "lives" with each other. We never confided in each other about our problems, nor did we share our happiness... There, with Marcin, I understood the meaning of "friendship." No one was embarrassed to talk about problems, to help each other through difficult matters... I understood that "friendship" wasn't just a Saturday trip to the cinema...
"Majka, what happened?" I only just noticed that my mother was standing in the doorway to my room. I quickly wiped away two tears I had uncontrollably shed and looked at her, shaking my head.
"Nothing ...
" "Are you in trouble?" She entered slowly and examined me with a terrified gaze.
"No, no..." I smiled sadly. "I don't..." "
You're very pale.
" "It's nothing... everything's fine, I swear..." Despite my assurances, my mother remained standing and watching me suspiciously.
"Don't look like that, nothing bad happened," I said after a moment in a much more confident tone. "Why did you come?"
"Oh no... it doesn't matter... lie down, I'll make you some tea..." Before I could react, my mother hurried out of the room. I closed my eyes, trying to gather my strength.
"It's so hard to come to terms with the fact
that you can't turn back time..."
Or maybe it's not over at all...? Maybe in a few days I'll get another text inviting me to another party at Marcin's...? But what excuse will I come up with this time? Another night at Sandra's...? And what about Kamil? What will I tell him? Besides, even if I hadn't deceived him – a lie is still a lie. And lately, it wouldn't have been the first one directed at him... The door to the room opened a crack, and instead of my mother again, I saw...
"Kamil?" I asked with a strange irony in my voice. After a moment, I realized that wasn't the most hospitable, and besides, my "beloved" probably expected me to squeal with joy at the sight of him. We hadn't seen each other for two days, and our last meeting hadn't been the best – we parted in an argument sparked by a call from Marcin, who called at the most unexpected moment.
"Hi," he said dryly, sitting down on the bed next to me. He handed me a warm mug, white steam rising from it.
"Your mom told me to bring it... she said you were sick." I looked at him with surprise, which, perhaps a second later, quickly turned serious. Mom had unconsciously provided the perfect excuse to justify my lack of any desire to see Kamil.
"Yes, I think so..." I confirmed quietly. "
I called, but your phone was off..." "
It died this morning.
" "And I was afraid you didn't want to talk to me. Because, you know, I thought about it, and it was a stupid thing to do. I shouldn't be mad. I can't follow you everywhere. That would be unwise." He smiled uncertainly. "I love you so much, sometimes I start to freak out...
"
I took my favorite seat at my desk and, setting the hot cocoa on the counter, turned on my computer. The orange light of the setting sun reflected off the monitor. Saturday. The second Saturday since Marcin's party, spent alone. A trip to the cinema with the girls...? No, thank you... A walk with Kamil...? No, thank you... Admittedly, my eyes no longer filled with tears as I recalled that memorable night, but once I saw what real fun with real people was like, my desire for all the entertainment I'd had vanished. The only thing that worried me was that, along with it, my desire to meet Kamil had vanished... For the past few days, immediately after opening Gadu Gadu, I'd set my status to "invisible." The description was "Cleaning"... Let him think I didn't have time for his company. Better that than the truth. And the truth was, I cared less and less about him... I picked up the hot mug and gently brought it to my lips, sipping the cocoa. I glanced at my contact list. The description of Ulka, Sandra, and Olka was "a movie with my girls." I lowered my gaze. Kamil... "When everything starts to fall apart, trust the glimmer of hope. That's what I'm trying to do..." I felt a pang in my heart. After all, it was me... After all, our relationship was falling apart. After all, I was everything to him. And now I was slowly taking myself away from him... I sat still for a moment, trying to control the growing guilt. I had absolutely no idea what to do. On the one hand, I wanted to break up, to free myself from this attachment, this obligation that was my boyfriend. The boyfriend I'd been with for so long, over a year. On the other hand, the thought of completely removing Kamil from my life caused a sharp pang in my heart. As if I were about to lose a part of myself... And then there was Marcin. I felt something for him. That vague "something" made my stomach churn and my brain seize up whenever I saw him. My greatest fear was that one day all these emotions would drown me out and I would allow myself to make a gesture completely outside my moral norm... Enough. I had to finally summon the courage. I had to be fair and talk to Kamil. Without the slightest idea what to say to him, I changed my status to "available"...
*
He stared at the water, clearly pondering something. He wasn't paying attention to anything or anyone, so he didn't notice me walking across the path next to the pond. I sat down next to him, and he didn't even move.
"Hi..." I groaned uncertainly, without the traditional kiss on the cheek. He didn't respond. I lowered my gaze, trying to gather my thoughts. What now? What would I tell him? What would I feel...? I didn't know the answer to that question myself...
"Why did you want to meet me?" he said after a moment, still dispassionately observing the ducks swimming in the pond. I gave him a surprised look.
"You're my boyfriend...?"
"I guess I am... but lately you've been acting like you wish I wasn't." His voice was cold and regretful.
"I didn't have time for you," I lied desperately, feeling like I couldn't stand the tension between us for much longer. He laughed ironically and shook his head.
"Sure... Majka. Do you think I'm such an idiot...? You think I don't see what's happening?" He looked at me with tired eyes, which only emphasized the subtext of his statement, making me even more depressed.
"Do you think I have someone again?" I asked with a hint of rebellion.
"That's not what I mean... although I don't know.
" "So?" I tried to act natural. Just yesterday, I thought I could easily share with him everything I felt, the uncertainty, the confusion. Now I knew I wouldn't have the courage. I wouldn't tell him face to face that it was over, that I needed a break.
"We don't meet, we don't talk, nothing... it used to be different."
"No day will ever be the same again,
no two nights are alike,
no two kisses the same,
no two identical looks in the eyes."
"I've already told you I haven't had much time lately..." I lied for the second time, feeling increasingly uneasy. Guilty. I was the one at fault, and now, instead of admitting it, I was making up some stupid excuse. I knew he wouldn't believe me anyway, but I couldn't tell the truth. I couldn't...
" "So you think I'm an idiot after all...
" "What..."
"If you wanted to, you could find the time. You haven't even replied to a single text message. And what about today's greeting?
" "Exactly, you didn't even look at me.
" "And that stopped you from acting normally?
" "Kamil...
" "No, Kamil. Tell me what's going on, because I can't do this anymore." Now I was the one staring into the shimmering surface of the water, feeling his gaze on me.
"I don't know what to tell you, because I don't know what's going on..." I whispered after a moment, my voice trembling.
" Did I do something wrong?" I looked at him in surprise.
"You? No...
" "Does it bother you that sometimes I don't let you do things? Just stupid things?
" "For example?
" "Well... like parties like the one at Patryk's or...
" "It's not stupid," I insisted rebelliously.
"No... so what do you call it?" Now Kamil's attack sense had awakened too.
"Good fun...
" "Great fun. I prefer to have fun without drugs.
" "See?" I asked in a raised voice. "We're not compatible." It took me a moment to realize the meaning of those words. Apparently, Kamil didn't either, because he didn't answer immediately.
"Oh, so in your opinion, 'good fun' means drinking beer, vodka, and smoking cigarettes, right?"
"I didn't say that.
" "No?"
"No. I just don't mind if there's alcohol at a party. Unlike you." I gritted my teeth and crossed my arms, waiting for more accusations and a continuation of the argument. But instead, there was a long silence, after which he spoke in a quiet, submissive voice.
"What if I agree to us going to parties like this...? If you go? Will it be like before?" He stared at me expectantly.
"I don't know..." I whispered, feeling like I couldn't just throw everything away. It meant too much to him. I meant too much to him.
"Majka, I love you," he said desperately. "I don't want to lose you." I swallowed, trying to hold back the tears. "I'll do anything to make it like before. Just let me...
"
I returned home despondent and sad. Despite myself, I agreed. I think I would feel better if I broke up honestly, but...? More days of fake love awaited me. Fidelity. I lay on the bed and cried. It's pointless... it all makes no sense at all. We're going to split up anyway... Before I could think any deeper, I heard voices from the hallway, followed by a knock on the door. My mother appeared in the doorway, and I quickly wiped the few uncontrollable tears from my cheeks.
"You have a visitor..." She smiled and moved back a bit. To my utter surprise, Marcin appeared right next to her...
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