Confession

My gaze quietly enveloped your outline, immersed in the semidarkness of the empty bedroom. The only light that flickered between us and these four walls came from candles, feverishly consuming gram after gram of oxygen. Busy with this, they seemed uninterested in anything else. Even the windows preferred to gaze out at the winter landscape of a snow-covered parking lot full of cars, feeling it inappropriate to disturb us at such a moment. Thousands of thoughts, stumbling against the ubiquitous light, entered my head... strangely enough, only to vanish immediately and move on. The silence, which held such a crushing advantage over us all, was so terrifyingly loud that it almost burst my eardrums. But it only lasted a second... A moment later, fear gripped me... I don't know how it had entered... all the windows and doors were firmly and tightly closed. But he always shows up everywhere—that's just how he is.... Besides, it didn't matter then; all that mattered was that he had now introduced a tyranny into my body, exhausted by those last few seconds. Completely paralyzed, I simply let dozens of stray thoughts in and out. I don't even remember breathing; I think I stopped for a few minutes... I forgot. Why were you standing with your back to me? I was afraid of your gaze... like never before... I don't know why... maybe because I didn't know where it had gone? And another cluster of thoughts raced off. One stupid Time stopped to the side and stared at me... Just then... just when I so desperately needed his mad dash, he took an interest in me? Oh, the irony!

Everything stopped, the world stopped spinning. And it was all my fault... But when the whole world froze, you, as always, wanted to rebel. You slowly walked over to the mirror next to the old wardrobe, gently nudging reality and gently nudging it back into place. Your reflection looked at me kindly. Like an explosion, it destroyed everything so intricately constructed around us... silence, fear, emptiness. An ordinary day! I took a step towards you. No, this was definitely not an ordinary day... Another wave of terror almost knocked me off my feet. But then I remembered to breathe... instantly, somehow... clearer. "Now or never." This was the sixth time that thought had entered my tiny world. But now, dressed in the same words, it was somehow different. More powerful. Self-assured. It was probably because of that explosion. And one more step... I felt a sliver of light, the rest of my thoughts, the escaping silence, and the fear returning to its full strength, mixing above my head, creating this MOMENT... and there was also a strange, furry dust that hadn't been there before. An unforgettable feeling. I traversed that MOMENT, inches by inches, getting closer to you... How much was it? Two meters? Three meters? A kilometer? Only for mundane, rational reasons will I not insist on that last one... I arrived. You were as close... as ever. I could hear your heartbeat... yes, your heart... where is my heart? It landed somewhere near the ceiling... And the fear was undoubtedly already in full force. "Fuck..." "K... "K..." sigh. I'll stutter again now. My throat couldn't say more than a single letter... But you know what I want to say... you've known it from the very beginning. Why don't you even move? A flock of new thoughts chased away the old ones... but what's the point if they fled on their own. I don't even remember them.

Sigh... I have no strength. My empty head settled on your shoulder. It's so good... yes... just like always. I don't know why, but I felt like my head was terribly heavy on you... But I feel so good there. So safe... mmm... Suddenly, the words "I love you" appeared in the air... I definitely have to admit that everything pointed to it being my voice... clearly. My quiet whisper. Now that I think about it, I don't know if I really said it or if we both just wanted to hear it so badly... But that wasn't important either, what mattered was that before the candles had even had a chance to choke, you had already turned around, beaming. Even your endless hair had stood up. Joyfully, and then like fools, they furiously chased the rest of the crazy body. I can't describe how I felt then. There were too many contradictions... And to be honest, I don't remember much. We lay on the ground afterward—yes, that's all. I know this is the most wonderful part of my life...