I buried my face in the soft pillow and let the tears that were falling from my eyes disappear into the fragrant sheets. I needed a friend so desperately. Someone who would come, offer a helping hand, say a kind word. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of a single person I'd be closer to. Until then, only Kamil mattered. He was the one I'd confided all my secrets to, the one I'd sought advice from, my only and greatest friend. For the first time, I realized that besides this boy, I had no one in my life. Yes, parents... But a parent shouldn't be the main character in a fifteen-year-old's daily life. Yes, friends... But it's not just any friend you confide every secret to. It's not a friend who knows you inside and out. I was too busy with Kamil to pay attention to what was happening outside the two of us.
I cried, bitterly digging my clenched hands into the pillow. I woke up... Too late, I woke up from this fairy tale that wasn't supposed to end with a happy ending. I tried with all my might to push away this thought, which was pounding my heart more and more painfully.
I felt that the only person who could cheer me up and pull me out of this depression was Marcin. Subconsciously, I longed for him to knock on my door, enter with a smile, and say, "Surprise!" Unfortunately… I knew that sooner or later I would have to face reality and finally confront it. Kamil didn't deserve to be treated this way, to be kept in suspense and fear. The only problem was that I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted… Habit prevented me from simply saying, "It's over," completely cutting the most important person out of my life. I couldn't imagine what a day would be like without seeing Kamil, talking, joking around, or even arguing.
A firm knock reached my ears, and before I could wipe my tears, the door to my room opened, revealing my mother. I gave her a questioning look and quickly began to cover up the traces of my tears. However, as if she had long known that I was sobbing and despairing, confined to the four walls of my room, she paid no attention to my condition.
"Majka, come to the living room," she asked curtly, and then, without waiting for an answer, she left. I took a deep breath and heaved myself up onto my hands. I felt weak and tired. Sniffling, I wiped my tears and slowly made my way to the living room. When I entered, my parents were sitting opposite each other, silent, as if waiting for something. I sat in the armchair next to them and wordlessly examined them
with tear-stained eyes. "We need to talk, and this time I'm not going to give in so easily," my mother announced after a moment, watching me seriously.
"What's the matter again?" I groaned, sighing heavily.
"Don't you think we should be the ones asking you?" My father gave me a stern look. I felt an unpleasant shiver run through me, which didn't portend anything good.
"I don't care. You wanted to talk.
" "Yes... We want to talk to you. Unfortunately, it's not a mutual desire." Dad, as composed as ever, perfectly crafted each sentence. This skill made him adept at sneaking up on me and extracting any information from my mouth. I swallowed hard and nervously clasped my hands together.
"You think I have problems again, don't you? So for the hundredth time, I repeat: I DON'T.
" "And you're lying again." Father began to persistently observe a vague point in front of him.
"We see what's happening to you. You're crying in the corner, you're acting like some kind of poisoned person..." Mom added in a trembling voice. I exhaled loudly, trying to calm the storm that was raging inside my head.
"Yes. But you can't help me. You can't. Do you understand, Mom? Dad...?
" "We can. We're your parents, and we can definitely help you. It's just that you don't even want to share what's bothering you with us."
"Because I'm already fifteen, damn it...! No girl my age confides in her parents about her worries, just stupid problems every teenager has. You act like you don't understand! I'm not your property, and I have no intention of sharing everything with you. There are things I have to suffer on my own, things I have to decide on my own...!" I don't even know how I ended up standing instead of sitting, but after finishing my explanation, I plopped back down into my chair and closed my eyes.
"Maybe you don't remember, but we were fifteen once too. We've been through a lot. And we can help you more than anyone else.
" "But I don't want your help. Understand this finally...
"
A light autumn breeze ruffled my hair in all four directions, making it more and more disheveled with each passing second. I closed my eyes and savored the peace. The only sound I could hear was the sound of the river flowing just below me. I looked up at the sun setting behind the trees. Day by day, its light grew fainter… As if slowly preparing us for a cold, weary winter. I leaned against the bridge railing and pondered the meaning of my own existence. The meaning of life. The meaning of the world…
"And when you're down... You feel lonely... And when you want to run away... Trust yourself and don't give up... You know you're better than anyone else..." The words of the song quietly escaped my lips. A single tear rolled down my cheek. Was it from sadness...? Or maybe it was just the cold that forced that drop from my eyes...? I zipped my thin, green jacket up to my neck and rubbed my frozen hands together. I nervously glanced at my watch and cursed under my breath, seeing that I'd been standing here for fifteen minutes. A thought flashed through my mind: everyone's late lately. Bad luck...? It's just a shame my... I turned my head toward one end of the bridge, where the girls were supposed to be coming from. But, to my chagrin, there was no one there.
"Too bad..." I muttered to myself, then started back. I couldn't wait like this forever. I briskly walked through the almost dark park alleys, dreaming only of crawling under a blanket with tea in one hand and the remote control in the other. A cheerful melody reached my ears, and I automatically pulled my phone out of my jacket pocket. I glanced at the screen. "Marcin is calling." I fought with myself for a moment before pressing the red receiver. It wasn't fair. It wouldn't be fair to Kamil. To start one thing, you have to finish another. Less than a minute had passed when the phone started ringing loudly again. This time, I held my finger on the red button longer. The phone turned off, and I put it back in my pocket with relief...
*
"Come..." his voice rippled in my head, filling every single part of my brain. "Majka... I'll be waiting for you..." I couldn't stop it. I couldn't control it... My stomach turned upside down at the mere memory of the call. I didn't answer the next day... Not on Sunday, not on Monday... But he persisted. He called every day for those three days. I finally gave in... I knew I'd regret it. I just didn't expect it to be in this context...
And Kamil waited. He waited faithfully, asking no questions. We had contact... but it was based only superficially on Gadu Gadu... I preferred not to. I didn't want to talk because I was afraid he'd ask. And he preferred not to ask, just to talk...
The closer the party got, the more I thought about it. I wanted to go... But the fear that this time I wouldn't be able to stop myself, that this time his eyes and the alcohol would lead me down a tunnel from which I wouldn't emerge anytime soon... And what's more, I didn't want to play behind Kamil's back like that. Even if I hadn't betrayed him... I would simply be having a great time while he agonized over my inexplicable behavior.
"I won't go... I can't... And don't ask why..." I whispered into the receiver, then, with a curt "bye," I hung up. I'll lose Kamil... I'll lose him because I don't want him to be mine. For me to be his... Marcin won't be there either. He'll leave it alone. There were too many misunderstandings and deceptions on my part... The vision of the future was more overwhelming than I could have imagined. I'd ruined everything. I'm ruining everything, and I'll continue to ruin everything. Because I'm only fifteen. And unfortunately, you learn from your mistakes...
*
With hesitant movements, I applied pearly eyeshadow to my eyelids. I laboriously tried to blend it perfectly. After all, I had no experience in this area. Previously, I'd only worn makeup for school discos or for friends' birthdays spent listening to "Picollo." This time, the occasion was completely different. There weren't supposed to be any friends, let alone Picollo...
"Majka, I don't like all this," Mom appeared in the doorway, still ajar. "If you're sleeping at Sandra's, what's the point of all this? Why makeup?
" "I told you, all the girls will be wearing makeup," I lied, momentarily freezing with the brush in my hand. "It's St. Andrew's Day, we'll be telling fortunes, taking pictures...
" "Surely her parents know about your idea?
" "Mom..." I looked at my mother with superiority. "Stop it. I'm fifteen, I'm not a child. What's all the fuss about? It's just one night away from home... And at Sandra's, too...
" "I still have a bad feeling...
" "No need." I wiped the slightly discolored brush against the light, pearly eyeshadow in the round container. "Nothing bad will happen..."
*
Trying to squeeze into the tight, red T-shirt, I tried to finally shake off any doubts about this outing. I was afraid... I was terribly afraid that something would come to light. And I had a lot to hide...
From the cabinet above my desk, I took out my recently purchased perfume and, holding it at a comfortable distance from my body, dabbed it on my neck and wrists. In an instant, the pleasant scent I'd so thoroughly enjoyed upon purchase filled my nostrils. Feeling a nervous knot in my stomach, I ran out into the hallway and critically assessed the efforts of the past hour. The red tank top was trimmed with lace, and its tight material beautifully accentuated my ample breasts and concave stomach. A sliver of exposed skin separated them from the low-cut, contrastingly wide trousers. The jeans, though they didn't hug her legs or hips, gave her whole figure that "something." A triumphant smile appeared on her face, and her gaze drifted to her upper body, which was no less neat. Her slightly curled hair fell temptingly over her shoulders, and her light, flattering makeup added charm and depth. To think that if it weren't for Patryk's call, I'd be sitting in bed, tormenting myself, as usual, with depressing thoughts about life... Kamil and I. What made me decide to go to this party? Certain magical words... Words I'd heard from the same person before, only chosen slightly differently... "
Live life to the fullest. Don't worry about anything, don't deny yourself pleasure for nothing. Unless you'd rather die... Kill your spirit, which now yearns to get the most out of this very life. Do you still remember our conversation about Mr. X...?"
*
With a smile on my face, I crossed the threshold of Patryk's house. In my mind's eye, I could already see Marcin, the look on his face when he saw me… because he thought I wouldn't come. I was sure of it myself this morning… The stranger who had let me in had blended into the small crowd that was causing a tremendous stir throughout the living room. This time, unlike my last visit, the music was playing at full volume, creating a sensation of "shaking windows." My hands were shaking with nervousness, and my heart was beating like crazy. Happy… I was happy again. My eyes watched the commotion with joy, and my lips formed a smile of their own accord. After a moment of such meditation, I took a deep breath and hesitantly moved forward, searching for familiar faces. In search of Patryk. In search of Marcin…
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