I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking... calculating... I loved Kamil, and that was the hardest part. Did I love...? But was it still the kind of love a girl feels for a boy...? I saw increasingly clearly that it wasn't. Habit? Yes... Sympathy? Absolutely... Yet I was afraid to change anything. I was terrified of admitting these feelings to myself, let alone to Kamil.
"Do you know what the greatest human absurdity is?" Patryk asked me on his memorable birthday. "Stating that death is the worst. No one wants to die. But we call death a physical state, not a mental one. And there's the catch. It's even worse to die spiritually.
" "Spiritually?" I was surprised.
"Yes. Look. There was Mr. X. Mr. X didn't leave the house because he was afraid of being hit by a car. Mr. X went to bed early because it was healthy, and healthy eating prolongs life. Mr. X didn't drink or smoke because it's bad for your health—and what's bad for your health slowly kills you." In reality, Mr. X had been dead for a long time. Because what kind of life was that? Physically, he functioned perfectly well. But spiritually? Can you call this stagnation life? Majka, tell me yourself, which death is worse in your opinion? I didn't answer his question at the time. But I have to admit, it got me thinking.
"I'm dying," I heard my own voice. Now. A few weeks after this game, Patryk's words came back to me. Now, as I wondered what to do next. What I wanted, what I wanted to leave behind.
"The hardest thing is to decide your fate..."
As usual, I came to nothing. Am I going? Am I not going? Neither of these answers... The correct and only one - I don't know. As I strolled to the bakery on Saturday morning, I tried to analyze the whole situation. A guy I really like invited me to a party. Unfortunately, he's already in a relationship. Options, of which I have to choose one...?
First - dump my boyfriend and go without a hitch. I've never even considered breaking up with Kamil... Besides, do I really want to be with him anymore? He's my friend, and the end of our relationship will probably mean the end of our friendship...
Second - tell my boyfriend I'm going to the party. I laughed quietly at the thought. Kamil would probably have hysterics if he found out that I - his polite, well-behaved girlfriend - was going to a "friend's" to drink, smoke, and God knows what else... Out of the question. Then he'd probably dump me.
Third - don't tell Kamil anything, go to the party, and pray that someone doesn't tell him. At first glance, this seemed like the most sensible option. I don't intend to cheat on him or anything... I just want to meet new people and have some fun with them
.
Everything went smoothly. I told my mom I was staying at Sandra's, so she let me go without question. I had to dress casually to avoid any suspicion. My favorite jeans, which beautifully accentuated my hips, and a tight, purple T-shirt with a Mickey Mouse head in the center.
By 6 p.m., I was standing in front of the large, green gate, which, slightly ajar, seemed to invite me in. The fence, overgrown with thick ivy, looked enchanting. I always loved this kind of garden variety. Marcin's house was old, clearly several decades old, but I had to admit it was charming, especially with the vegetation surrounding it. I hesitantly walked toward the low, yet very wide, steps leading to the door. Batrek, who had so persistently encouraged me to try a beer at Patryk's birthday party, opened the door.
"Hi," I forced a smile. For some reason, I was nervous and tense.
"Hi," the brunette replied, then gestured for me to enter. "Come in." I stood in a long hallway lined with several cabinets and hangers. When Bartek closed the door, it became very dark. I looked at him questioningly. He didn't even move to turn on a light. I bent down and began blindly untying my shoes. "No, don't take them off," he said loudly, then started walking. I followed him, growing increasingly anxious. It seemed as if no one else was in the house. We passed empty rooms until we finally turned onto the stairs.
"Where are we going?" I asked, seeing that they led downstairs. "
To the basement," he replied lightly. A moment later, I understood why it was so quiet upstairs. Everyone was in one of the rooms downstairs. It was huge and resembled a sort of "club," the kind where a certain group of people meet. A few old couches and armchairs, dim lamps, posters on the walls, even a bicycle and a few skateboards. Among all this, about ten people were drinking beer and smoking cigarettes.
"Brilliant place," I thought. "
Sit wherever you like," Bartek smiled, then walked over to a cabinet and pulled out a can. "
Hello Majka," Marcin appeared next to me. My heart leapt into my throat.
"Oh... hello," I said, trying to sound normal. As usual, seeing his strikingly charming brown eyes, I felt unable to say anything. "
Did you find him easily?"
"Yeah... sure..."
"Good. I'm really glad you came," he smiled sincerely. "Come on, I'll introduce you to my friends... you probably already know a few from Patrick's birthday..." We headed toward the couches. It turned out I only knew Bartek. But everyone seemed very nice. They were older—maybe seventeen, I guess—but I had a feeling we'd get along easily. I also got along easily with Marcin. And honestly, I didn't talk much with him that night...
*
This is life. Madness... fun... A harmless breaking of the rules that's so liberating. This was exactly what I needed. I sat sipping a beer, which, although I didn't like the first time, seemed to become more and more bearable with each sip. The company was wonderful: the boys were very funny, the girls were very nice. They immediately treated me like "their own," ignoring the difference that so divided us. Or perhaps they didn't even know the vast chasm my world was beyond...? They only had the image of the bridge I was currently standing on. The shore could have been just around the corner—and only I was aware that "just around the corner" was actually many days' walk away. For a moment, I forgot about it. It was so carefree...
I drank maybe a beer and a half before realizing I was terribly hot. I got up to briefly leave the basement when I suddenly experienced a strange sensation unlike any I'd ever felt before. Marcin, who was walking toward me as if floating, shifted slightly to the left and right. I looked up. The ceiling was also rippling.
"Majka, what's going on?" the boy asked briskly, grabbing my elbow and simultaneously saving me from falling.
"I don't know," I laughed, looking at him. "You have beautiful eyes!" I was clearly amused. Only later did I realize that alcohol can unleash every thought, even the most hidden, with words. I didn't know that at the time. Because how could I...? For the first time in my life, I'd had a significant amount of alcohol in my mouth.
"Would you like to sit down?" Marcin asked, gently nudging me toward the couch.
"No!" I protested firmly. "It's too hot here!" I just wanted to go out somewhere.
"Where?
" "Hmm... maybe to the garden?"
"Come on..." he grabbed my hand and led me toward the stairs. A few minutes later, we were outside. I sprawled out on the grass next to the large Christmas tree.
"Are you feeling okay?" Marcin asked, sitting down next to me.
"Wonderful! Oh, so many stars!" I lay flat on my back with my hands behind my head, staring up at the sky. A peaceful, quiet night. As if reading my thoughts, he said,
"Completely different from down there, huh?" I smiled slightly.
"Great party," I said shortly after a long moment of silence.
"Oh yes..." he whispered in his sexy voice. Besides those killer eyes, I really liked Marcin's voice. So light, yet masculine. I sat down and looked ahead, at the house. My vision was still blurry.
"But I regret not coming that Saturday when you invited me...
" "Well, I regret it too...
" "You?" I looked in surprise at the faint outline of his face, which I managed to read in the darkness.
"Right... " "
But what do you get out of it?"
"Well..." he smiled slightly. "If you weren't here today, I wouldn't have anyone to save me if I got locked in the toilet..." Just such an incident had happened to me maybe an hour earlier, when I went to the bathroom, and instead of opening, the lock started turning as if I were controlling a radio button. "I wouldn't have anyone to sit here with now... It would be boring!" He teasingly flicked my ear, and I, feigning anger, started pinching his hand. He tried to regain control for a moment, but when I didn't stop, he grabbed my wrists and, with a quick movement, crushed me to the ground. "So what are you going to do now?" he asked, looking me straight in the eye with amusement. Our heads were perhaps a few inches apart. Before I could think, our "game" was interrupted by a rustling sound and the words:
"Oh, who do I see!" A little further on, a well-drunk Bartek stood with a can of beer. "No, no, don't bother me," he said, seeing Marcin release me and return to his previous pose. "I'll go to the other side of the house." He turned and quickly staggered away. A silence fell, which for some reason began to make me feel uncomfortable. I lay there, staring at the sky without a word. Marcin spoke first, but his voice was different. It was rough yet uncertain, firm yet trembling.
"Listen... I was wondering... That guy at Patrick's birthday party who was yelling at you so much, is he... your boyfriend, or...?"
"He's my brother," I blurted out without thinking. I don't know why I said that. Maybe his tone, maybe the alcohol did its thing...
"That makes me very happy." Marcin beamed, leaned toward me, and then pinched my nose. "So where did we end?"
Brak komentarzy:
Prześlij komentarz