Marian

It was a harsh, frosty winter. The courtroom was reasonably well heated, and everyone was happy to be in this oasis of warmth. Except for Marian, who would rather be outside in the wind and frost than in this warm, heated courtroom. He sat calmly, head bowed, trying to feign innocence to impress the jury.

"Does the accused plead guilty?" the judge asked. "

What guilt, Your Honor? What wrong have I done?" Marian replied. "What am I accused of this time?

" "Of hurting someone. This injured party sitting here in the courtroom.

" "I didn't do anything wrong to this gentleman. Let me tell you again how it happened," Marian defended himself. "I saw this gentleman on the balcony of my first-floor neighbor. He was naked and crouched down. Why, I don't know." "

Because this lady's husband had just arrived, and I suddenly had to hide on the balcony," the injured party explained.

"This gentleman must have been in prison for quite some time," Marian continued, "because he was blue from the cold, shaking and shivering. I was deeply moved to see such human misery. I took a blanket with me and went to a neighbor's house. I knocked on the door. Her husband opened the door. I told him to cover the poor man sitting on the balcony, because he would freeze. I just wanted to help him.

" "Did I ask for help?" the injured party exclaimed. "I'm a polar explorer, I could have held out for quite a while longer." Besides, this lady's husband was supposed to leave the apartment soon.

" "Exactly," the judge stated, "this lady's husband was supposed to leave the apartment soon; the injured party could have returned home, and there would have been no tragedy. And so the accused contributed to the breakdown of their marital life. How shameful the accused is. It was such a happy marriage. Now look at your neighbor, who's sitting here in the courtroom with us. Do you see this woman crying?" Does this move the accused, because frankly, I'm very moved when I see such misery. So the accused shouldn't say he's innocent, because he's guilty. Guilty of the breakdown of his neighbors' marriages.

"And my marriage too, Mr. Judge," said the injured party.

"And yours too?" the judge asked, curious.

"Yes, Your Honor," the injured party confirmed. "When my wife found out about it, she left me."

"Oh, please," the judge said to Marian, "you're guilty of the breakdown of two marriages.

" "Exactly," the injured party confirmed.

"And that's not all," the judge continued. "Right after the accused betrayed the victim, the woman's husband ran onto the balcony and gave the victim a powerful kick. As a result, the victim leaned over the railing and fell from the balcony. As if that weren't enough, a teacher was passing by on her way home from shopping. The victim fell in front of the teacher, bruising severely. The teacher, however, was so frightened by the sudden appearance of a naked man in front of her that she suffered a heart attack. She is currently in hospital under the professional care of our healthcare system. I have the results of her medical tests, which indicate that she has sustained injuries. The worst thing, however, is that she is in such shock from this incident that she will need to be under psychological care for many months to recover. Not to mention that her absence from school will cause the children to fall behind in their studies. And what will the accused tell us now? Please, let the accused say something."

"I just wanted to help, Your Honor," Marian defended himself.

"The accused wanted to help," the judge said. "It's the same statement every time. The accused always wants to help someone, and then he stands before me as a defendant, and I have to judge him. And so it goes, over and over again. There are so many crimes in the world, and I always get the same idiot.

" "Judge, that's inappropriate," Mrs. Ala, sitting next to him, pointed out.

"Ms. Alu, I know it's inappropriate. But how am I supposed to maintain my dignity when this idiot—pardon the expression, this idiot—pardon the expression—stands before me for the umpteenth time. I already have nightmares about his face. Mrs. Alu, do you know how many tranquilizers I have to take every day? How much nerve he's made me lose."

"Oh, that's bad," said Daniel, Marian's friend. "See, Marian, how angry the judge is? You'll definitely get the death penalty by quartering."

"Getting back to the point," the judge continued, "the penal code has recently changed. It's become much tougher. We'll soon see what kind of sentence you can give. Now, for such an offense, you'll definitely get at least five years of hard labor in a quarry."

Some time earlier, in the lobby of the Sejm, MP Gruszka, the chairman of an opposition party, met with MP Jastrzębski, the chairman of another opposition party.

"Dear MP," MP Gruszka said, "do you remember when my party supported the government's austerity bill concerning parliament?"

"I remember, Mr. MP, my party voted against it."

"I wish we had voted against it too. The bill wouldn't have passed then. The savings turned out to be too great. Now, to save money, we all have to commute to the Sejm by bike. I've been assigned an old folding bike. My driver sits on the saddle, and I have to sit on the rack. You know how uncomfortable it is. I think you do, because you commute like that too. I'll tell you something in confidence. Just sitting on the rack makes my balls hurt. Yes, yes.

" "You're right. But what can we do? You can't turn back time, you can't change it.

" "You can't change time, that's true. But you know what? Now there's a vote on amending the penal code. The government really wants all the articles to be perfect. I think we could play a trick on them, at least with one article, for cutting costs so much. If we vote together, it will pass. Well, how about it, Mr. Gruszka? Listen, maybe we can do this," and MP Gruszka began to explain.

"I have it, I found the article," the judge said happily, glancing at the new penal code. "Ms. Alu, read it here."

Ms. Ala put on her glasses and began reading: "Whoever, under the guise of helping a neighbor, causes harm is subject to ha, ha, ha, hee, hee."

"Ms. Alu, what amuses you so much? "

"Nothing, Mr. Judge.

" "Then don't laugh, just read it. You'll laugh later, after work. So, I'm listening.

" "Whoever, under the guise of helping a neighbor, causes harm is subject to ha, ha, ha, hee, hee."

"Ms. Alu, are you laughing at me? Am I funny? What's so funny to you?

" "But Mr. Judge, I'm not laughing at all. That's what it says.

" "What nonsense you're talking. I've been a judge for so many years, and I know that no one would write something like that in the code.

" "Then see for yourself.

" "Okay, give me that code. Where is it?" "Oh yes, I see." "Whoever, under the guise of helping a neighbor, causes harm is subject to ha, ha, ha, ha, hi, hi." Wait a minute, I think I read that wrong. I'm probably tired from overwork and I might have made a mistake. One more time. "Whoever, under the guise of helping a neighbor, causes harm is subject to ha, ha, ha, ha, hi, hi."

The judge became stunned. He fell into a reverie. He thought and thought and thought until he finally said,

"I think it should be interpreted this way: Whoever, under the guise of helping a neighbor, causes harm is subject to house arrest for a year. Yes, that's exactly how it should be interpreted.

" "Mr. Judge, are you sure?" Mrs. Ala asked.

"Mr. Ala, please don't interfere. I'm a judge and I know what I'm saying. I ask everyone to stand. I announce the verdict. The accused is found guilty of the crimes charged and sentenced to one year of house arrest.

" "Mr. Judge, have mercy," Marian cried pleadingly.

"Hey, Marian," the judge said, "where are you going to go in this freezing cold? You'll just sit in the house, warm up, and relax.

" "But I'll get bored sitting at home all the time.

" "Do you have a TV?"

"I do.

" "Exactly, you'll watch some programs, you won't be bored.

" "And how much TV can you watch?

" "Yes. Or maybe you have internet access too?

" "I do.

" "Then you can spend some time online. Do you know, Marian, how many interesting acquaintances you can make online? You'll chat with people online; it'll be more enjoyable. Besides, you're talented; I'm sure you'll manage your time somehow. And most importantly, staying home will definitely prevent you from causing any harm. I won't have to see you for at least a year. Now you can go home. And remember, you're not supposed to leave your apartment for a year.