Sometimes, a person longs to be exceptionally far from the world's attention. On the contrary, they prefer to observe with sympathy the brave march of a seventy-year-old woman shielding her face with a lace parasol, gaze at a group of laughing teenagers, or spy on a happy, kissing couple. Such observations are facilitated by an azure sky, the gentle touch of sunlight warming the face exposed to them through dark glasses, and a comfortable, unshaded bench where one can perch a little and become practically invisible to others. Sometimes, it really is.
And San longed for precisely this. To bask in the warmth with impunity, to revel in the joy of others, to observe a happy world where no one is in a hurry. You could tell her that—she would have replied, "Illusion!"—but each of us possesses a protective veil of skepticism and irony outside our selves.
Generally quite thin and weak. So weak that within fifteen minutes San was already in the park, walking uncertainly down the path.
Anxiety, the desire to fulfill her dream, doubts about whether she still wanted it. Planning the act had taken away its charm…
She chose a bench. She sat down.
She tried to concentrate on others. "I'm not an intruder!" she shouted to herself and began to look around.
Three boys on roller skates passed right in front of her. They were shouting, pointing. San looked at them with emotion in her eyes. When they disappeared around the bend, she looked around for someone else.
A five-year-old with cotton candy! The embodiment of joy, idyll. The girl's gaze softened, her whole figure seemed to lose its stiffness. She clasped her hands together and watched the little girl with a motherly gaze. A moment later, the child's mother also appeared in her field of vision. The words, "Come on, Kasieńka. Shall we go to the playground?" and enthusiastic nods interrupted the teenager's contemplation.
***
The square was deserted. The sole occupant lowered her head sadly. Her eyes stared stubbornly at the small pebbles that lined the ground beneath the bench, her face contorted in a grimace of pain. Lonely, scattered thoughts arose in her mind. San herself felt little but emptiness.
"It's not like that," she whispered, the only sentence she managed to form. It was better not to say the rest aloud—it would become more real. The girl lifted her head and headed back. Home.
Her step was gloomy, more like a shuffle than a normal walk. Halfway there, she stopped. She felt strangely... weak... Staggering, she strayed from the path, only to collapse to the ground a moment later. For a moment, she lay motionless. Thinking nothing. Feeling nothing.
In this numbness, she rolled onto her back, clasping her hands behind her head. Her irises immediately ached from staring at the clear blue sky. The depression somehow vanished, leaving an emptiness. An incomprehensible lightness. The girl documented it with a deep sigh...
"You see, San, she was such an idiot...
"
"She wanted to plan moments of happiness...
"
"And you know what? They came to her anyway.
She closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and...existed. Just Like That."
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